Rosie Gill-Moss: 0:02

Hello and a very warm welcome back to Widowed AF, you're here with me, I'm your host, I'm Rosie Gill-Moss. I have exciting news today listeners, I've got a boy, I've got a boy in the studio, welcome Andrew, how are you?

Andrew Medlycot: 0:15

I'm very good,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 0:16

say boy, you're very much a man,

Andrew Medlycot: 0:18

Well, a man on the outside, very definitely a boy on the inside.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 0:21

I, well, I think, you know, the same could be said for most of your gender, but we won't dwell on that.

Andrew Medlycot: 0:27

At a certain age, and then he started going back down again, that's how it

Rosie Gill-Moss: 0:29

Yeah, I think I think that I'm really enjoying middle age. I'm sort of re embracing all the stuff I liked as a kid. It's fantastic. Now, regular listeners to the show may recall an episode with Kirstie Ann Clough. And it was, I've written it down so I don't get it wrong. It's season two, episode three. And in that episode, Kirstie told us that she was in a very lovely relationship with a man called Andrew. Well, Here we are. This is the Andrew, Andrew Medleycot is that correct

Andrew Medlycot: 0:59

Oh, well done. Very well.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:00

I was practicing, I was like, these guests just make these names up to try and make, trip me up, I swear. Um, so Andrew, you are actually here to talk to me about losing your wife Viv to bowel cancer. So that is primarily why you're here. But I'm, I'm sure I, I'm interested, I'm sure my listeners will be to hear a little bit about you and Kirsty and how you met. I think when you're ready, you know, in your own time, um, tell me a little bit about Viv, tell me how you met and, and we'll get to the, the gruesome bit when we get there.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:27

Yeah. Um, we met back in 2002. We were both living in Newcastle at the time. I live in Scotland at the moment, but my voice and my accent, you can clearly tell is not a Scottish accent.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:38

But it's, it's quite hard to place though, because I was trying to place it and I don't

Andrew Medlycot: 1:41

have a strong accent. It's never been a strong accent If i'm in newcastle, it gets stronger, but i've never had a strong one to start with. So it's a

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:48

Ben was from Manchester and if we went any further north than Watford, it would suddenly get much more prominent.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:53

in scotland for 24 Years now, I think so. It's had time to lose its edge in order to say

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:00

What, what took you to, actually no, I'm going, you tell the story, I'll ask the questions after.

Andrew Medlycot: 2:05

Yeah, make it alone that won't come back to it, um, yeah, so it's 2002 um and viv was the Partner at that time of a, of a, of a, of my housemates, work colleagues, it makes sense. So, and that's a whole story to itself at the

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:23

Scandal.

Andrew Medlycot: 2:25

so I don't think that I saved her at the time because it wasn't a great place that she was in. And I think I was a neutral outsider from outside the, the group. Um, and she opened up to me when we started talking and I just kind of left from there. And, um, yeah, I'll not say too much about that because they get quite messy. Um, but yes, so that's how we met and it was there 2002 and our first day was on a little beach in Tynemouth called King Edward's Bay and it was on the 1st of September in, uh, 2002. And I have to

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:58

You are romantic. That sounds

Andrew Medlycot: 3:00

date's very, that date's very important, the 1st of September. So,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 3:03

Oh, okay. All right.

Andrew Medlycot: 3:05

so yes, so we lived in Newcastle for a while. We didn't live together in Newcastle. We were together in Newcastle for, uh, uh, only for a few months, and then the whole sort of breakup side of her life before that, um, meant that she wanted to get closer to her mum, to be with her mum, because she was back in Scotland. And so she moved back up to Scotland, and within a few months I followed back up as well, and, uh, moved up here, and just decided I was going to do it, you know,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 3:32

That answers my question, actually, because I was going to say, how did you end up in Scotland?

Andrew Medlycot: 3:36

So, yes, I followed a woman, um, so, so yeah, so I was very lucky that my job at the time made it very easy to just transition up here and, uh, we moved up here and, um, and sort of started our life together. Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 3:49

quite young, because Viv, I think, is around my age, so you must have been quite, quite young and wet behind the ears

Andrew Medlycot: 3:54

was just, she was just over, it was one month of the day past her 40th birthday when she died. Um, and we've been together for 12 years, look at that time.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 4:04

Yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 4:04

I'm trying to keep up with the HRs, I'm going to lose track of what time

Rosie Gill-Moss: 4:07

Yeah, don't worry. I barely know. I always have to check what day it

Andrew Medlycot: 4:10

yeah, so she was, she was, she was a couple of years younger than me. Um, but we weren't, we weren't, you know, weren't on our teams. You know, we both had careers and jobs and things. And, um, so, so life was kind of like, that's how things kind of went. And then exactly five years after we met. So on the 1st of September in 2007, we got married. Uh, up in Scotland, uh, and five years to the day after that, on the 1st of September in 2012, we had our little boy Riley, uh, on the same day. So we met on the 1st of September, 2002. We, our

Rosie Gill-Moss: 4:45

married

Andrew Medlycot: 4:45

date was we got married the 1st of September, 2007, which was exactly five years after. And then Riley was born versus September, September, 2012, which is exactly five years of the day after that. So, yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 4:56

And you, and you literally can't plan that, can you? Although,

Andrew Medlycot: 5:00

literally born like almost 10 to midnight on that day. So Ben was all dressed up in nice fancy gowns to go out for lunch for our anniversary. So we turned up at the hospital and we were both dressed up to the nines, you know, all nice and smart. And,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:13

what, what a way to

Andrew Medlycot: 5:14

I know, you know, so we had all these, you have your baby plan about what you're going to do and we wouldn't have this and that and all out the window because you're literally just out the door in the car for lunch and ended up there.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:24

I'll tell you what is weird, is I have, um, two children who are, one is 2012 and he's the fifth. But my daughter, when I've just said you can't pick a date, I was scheduled for a C section with my, my youngest. And they rang me and said, oh, we've booked you in for the 31st of August. And I went, oh, is there any chance that you can move it to September because of the school year? I don't know if it's the same in Scotland, but that cutoff is 31st. So

Andrew Medlycot: 5:47

always different. Yeah, but I remember from being in England. That's what it was. Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:51

either start school at, you know, she was born on 31st, she'd have started school straight. She was anyway, it has to happen. And they rang me back and said they've managed to get me in, but yeah, that's that. It's, I just, I don't know why I'm sharing that with you, but it

Andrew Medlycot: 6:03

very so the number five. Okay, are you ready? So more number fives? So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:08

Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

Andrew Medlycot: 6:09

his birthday was the 5th of May which is the 5th of

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:13

Oh, look at that.

Andrew Medlycot: 6:14

And then

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:16

So do, so you had a little boy, did you say in 2012? And are you happy to name him?

Andrew Medlycot: 6:21

He's Riley, yes

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:22

Right. You did. Yes. Sorry. Yes,

Andrew Medlycot: 6:23

Riley's a little boy. So he's just turned 12 now. So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:26

Yeah. He's the same age as Hector, my middle

Andrew Medlycot: 6:29

Yeah, so he was five and lost his mom. So it's been

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:33

Yeah. Same. So are you 2018 as well?

Andrew Medlycot: 6:36

Yes. Yes,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:39

You've had this baby, life's looking pretty

Andrew Medlycot: 6:42

it is.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:43

and when, when does Bib start to sort of feel unwell?

Andrew Medlycot: 6:49

it's quite strange. So we, we, we, we literally just moved house. We'd moved house down the road in the same development from just into a bigger house. So we just bought this house and this is going to be our. Our last house, you know, we were living the, the, the suburban dream, you know, both had good jobs, good careers. We got the nice house and, um, and we moved in the November, I think it was. And all during that year, when Vivi given birth, she'd, it was a slightly traumatic birth, ended up being in emergency section. And you know, so she had a few complications from that, you know, piles being, being one of them.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 7:22

Oh god, yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 7:23

so, so she, she had, she'd had IBS sort of all of her life anyway, but she started, the IBS was getting worse. Uh, and she's having a little bit of, a bit of, bit of bleeding happening. Um, but because of her age at the time, so she would have been 36 at that time. 30s. Yeah. 30s. No, 36, 37.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 7:42

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 7:43

Um, they just wrote it off to being, it's just you. IBS is just or it's just. From, from birth, you've obviously, there's been a bit of damage there, and you're just going to have a bit of a sweating problem with, with a bit of the breathing. It's fine, off you go. And that kind of went on for, you know, almost, almost a year. Um, and then around about the end of the year, she started to lose weight as well. Um, despite eating the same, nothing changed, she started to lose a little bit of weight. And, you know, at that point, I think she particularly was like, there's, something's not quite right here. Something's not, something's not kind of adding up. So back to the doctors again, and we're a little bit more insistent this time on saying that there's something, something's wrong. So they took blood tests and all sorts of things and checked the render and checked all the blood and This is, this is one thing which is stuck in my mind and it's to this day is one of the things that I regret not doing something about. But we went back to the doctors after the blood tests and The young guy that's there, I'm not going to name, um, for some stupid reason, some strange reason, whether it was just to put us at ease or as a little jokey thing, but he had the blood tests and I, and he joked, he just said the first, his first words were, you'd be glad to know it's not cancer. And he just, those words came out of his mouth and it's like, we never thought about it. We never did think about it after that, but it was just like a comment that he made. And we never thought much about it and just thought, oh, well, okay, it's fine. The tests are all good. It's fine. Um, and then a couple of months later, things just weren't getting better and things were getting worse. So we went back and Dave insisted on having some sort of exploratory work done, and the thought was that it was decided that her Crohn's, uh, IBS had sort of manifested itself into Crohn's or into, what's the other one called? It's a colitis y type thing or something like that. Uh, could, it's totally gone now. One of the ones wasn't too large cancer por testing, one of one of those, you know, but IBS it had progressed, so the Center for a Colonoscopy, um, and when the core, uh, guy went to insert the camera, he, he couldn't because there was a huge tumor, uh, in a colon that was blocking everything. And, um, and, and that was it. You know, he was, he was shocked and floored. Um, unfortunately, because he was the one that had done that, the invest, investigatory work, he had to be the one that then gave us back the results. So he had to be the one that said that there was something in the way, and he wasn't prepared for that at all. Um, so it meant that the whole process of being told by him was also quite traumatic, because the, the medical profession was also highly distressed, because he just discovered this.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 10:34

So when the results of the blood test did come back, and the first word said there's no sign of cancer, and I'm thinking every time we go to the doctors we think we've got cancer, right? You know, every blood test. So that sort of immediate, it's not cancer, the fact that he's mentioned it at all could be put down to just a sort of general reassurance. But was there no sign of it in the blood test? Or was it a

Andrew Medlycot: 10:57

have no idea. After that, and since then, I go through treatment of things, you know, but we, we know that you have blood tests done and there are markers in your blood that they use to sort of check the activity of your, of your cancerous tumour. So there are markers in your blood that do change and are influenced by cancer in your, in your body. So You know, if, were they there and he just had looked at them and, and, and that was a factual thing to say, but it can't have been because at that particular point in time, it was, it was there because

Rosie Gill-Moss: 11:28

Yeah, it must have been, mustn't

Andrew Medlycot: 11:29

came along and we found that and different for all of those scans, it was discovered that it had spread everywhere. It was in her liver quite aggressively and in her lungs. It wasn't like it had just started. It's been there for some time. So even if it had been picked up, Earlier in that year or, yeah. When, when they first started to notice symptoms, would it have changed things? I, I don't know whether it would or not, because when we found it, it was so, so

Rosie Gill-Moss: 11:57

That's always the big, what if, isn't it?

Andrew Medlycot: 11:59

not have been made a difference. But, um, just him saying that and, and, and I kept thinking I need to go and say something. I should go and say something about that particular GP and say, it was just, how dare he say that when just two months later, onm find out that she's, she is, she's riddled with it, you know, it's. But time has passed and you know, and it's, it's done. It's, it's, it's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 12:25

It's terrifyingly common though, and you may be, may or may not be familiar with John's first wife, Sarah. She died from

Andrew Medlycot: 12:31

yes. No, no. I heard she'd mentioned what happened there. So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 12:34

And she had a genetic disposition. She had the BRCA gene, so she was more likely to be at risk of bowel cancer. And then when she presented with symptoms, um, which were quite horrific, she was told it was norovirus and sent home. And John believes that she'd be here today. He said he doesn't think she'd be a terribly well woman and she would have certainly had problems, but she potentially could have been here and actually that anger that can, can be created by that because you need somebody to blame and there's a frustration and it happens horrifyingly frequently. where young people present with what are cancerous symptoms and they're, they're sent home, you know, and I don't know what the solution is, I wish I did, but that must have been such a huge shock. Were you actually with her when she went for the

Andrew Medlycot: 13:25

yeah, every single, every single chip,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 13:28

she did, I knew you'd say yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 13:30

So, but I mean, it's, it's, it's one of those things. I mean, I have, I have a, I've since had my diagnosis with, with my, my Eero spiciness, but I've always had 52 tests and, and, and ticks and all sorts of things. And, um, well, we've had our first meeting with the oncologist and he's explaining the gist of it. I had a big hole in my hand there because my thumb, I mean, as I was doing it, my thumb was just twitching away like mad. And, um, it wasn't until they put a hand on my hand to stop me doing it that I looked down and it's like, oh my God, I'm richly worn. Um, because it was just, uh, I couldn't, I couldn't kind of comprehend what I was, what I was hearing.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 14:11

and in that moment, there were obviously Oh, sorry, no, carry on, carry on. Hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 14:15

another element of that as well, which is, which is, which kind of influenced my feelings around it as well, which was the, the, the morning that Viv was going for the colonoscopy. Um, I say, we'd never ever thought about it being cancer. Never crossed our minds. We were getting ready to go out for the colonoscopy and in the bedroom. And I just, just says, you know, what if it's cancer? And we'd never discussed it before. And I, the next day, and for years afterwards took that as, as I, I made that happen. Um, because

Rosie Gill-Moss: 14:54

Isn't it funny how powerful we think we are?

Andrew Medlycot: 14:56

came up my mouth that morning and it's, it just, that was it. So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:00

Well, you know, you probably know the story of me stood in the school playground saying, if Ben dies tomorrow, I'll have no idea how to pay my electric bill, whilst he's dead. And it's, it makes you shiver, doesn't

Andrew Medlycot: 15:10

yeah, you know, if I hadn't said that, would it have changed things? Probably not.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:13

No.

Andrew Medlycot: 15:14

because I do, that's the one, only time that I've ever said it. And it's on that day, I

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:18

was actually my mum that said,

Andrew Medlycot: 15:20

It's like, that's, that was it. And it took a long time.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:22

said to me, Rosie, you're not that powerful. I was like, oh. What?

Andrew Medlycot: 15:26

Took a lot of therapy for me to get over that stuff.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:28

Yeah. Yeah. It does, doesn't it? It does. And you, and you think of all the, you're trying to, I think, retrospectively save them, like weirdly, coxing all these scenarios. So when they found this mess, this guy is obviously quite shocked. Um, he's, he's aware that this is probably something serious. What are the actual words that he used at the time?

Andrew Medlycot: 15:52

I don't know.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:52

you mean it verbatim, that's a,

Andrew Medlycot: 15:54

I don't know if it was the words of the used initially or just his, his

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:58

His demeanor. Yeah. Yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 15:59

to me that changed, you know, and it was, we knew something wasn't quite right. And then when he told us, he could see he, he had been, he had been crying because his face was, was.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 16:13

Oh, God.

Andrew Medlycot: 16:14

very red when he came to tell us and just the way he was just so Hesitant and just and and you know, and it was just it was just it wasn't the best way of doing it But we understand now because at the time we were like, you know, why is this person telling us we've got questions We can't give us the answers. He's a mess and you know And we understand now why he had to do it because it was him that had been doing that Exploratory work so he had to feed back the results Um, but yeah, it was just as, just as more as demeaning than that, actually what he says, you know.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 16:47

And then you've got to go home, presumably, and Riley's at home, and you've got to try and process the next stages, and presumably, you then become part of oncology and

Andrew Medlycot: 16:58

the, the probably one of the worst moments is when you're going from that moment of being told that there's something there to then waiting for MRI results or MRI tests being done and then getting to see the oncologist and speaking to them and actually finding out what it actually is. So you've got that window of being told there's something there, which is horrendous, but you see sort of what it is, you know, so that,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 17:22

this

Andrew Medlycot: 17:23

two week window.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 17:24

too.

Andrew Medlycot: 17:25

You know, so you've got that two week gap of, of, of just not knowing anything

Rosie Gill-Moss: 17:30

Yeah, that limbo.

Andrew Medlycot: 17:31

out what it was and it found out that it didn't have to be much worse, but at least we knew and then we had a plan and we could do something and, uh, and that progressed things. But actually within two weeks there was a bit of like, just no man's land. I can't actually remember really what, what happened during that period of

Rosie Gill-Moss: 17:49

You probably did a lot to try and run away from it, so try and keep yourselves busy.

Andrew Medlycot: 17:54

and this could be one of the things that some people may or may not know, but I drank, I drank a lot during that period.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 17:59

Yeah, I can

Andrew Medlycot: 18:00

it was, it was, you know, not openly enough, you know, with all, but, uh, I drank a lot during that time to try

Rosie Gill-Moss: 18:09

No wonder though, no wonder. This is one of the things I've been able to grant myself compassion for because you just think, no wonder I drank, it was awful. You know, I, I hid that and, and particularly neurodivergent people, you know, we will mask those feelings any way we can. I'm, I'm going to ask you a difficult one, which you don't have to answer, but, um, if you could, are you able to tell me a little bit about the kind of the conversation that was had where you, the test results have come back and I'm picturing, you know, the two of you thinking, it's fine, you know, with this, this could be curable, you know,

Andrew Medlycot: 18:40

Yeah. I mean, that was, that was the way we lived throughout the whole period. Never once ever, I think even till the day that she was able to, to, to communicate with us gave up on the thought of the fact that she was going to beat us, you know, and she had that from day one, it wasn't even a question of, of, of stopping or having this takeover from day one. It was a, you know, we're going to do something about this and we're going to take it on. And there was no, there's no other question. And that's just how she was literally the whole, all the way through. Um, I mean, her work were really fantastic. She worked for, uh, she worked for CPEP, which is the environment agency in Scotland.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 19:24

ah,

Andrew Medlycot: 19:25

Um, so she worked for a big sort of non government organization, but it's effectively a government group. She was in HR, so she had a huge group of friends around her at the time who were fantastic at helping her. Understand what happened with work and literally from the day that she was diagnosed and started a treatment that she was, she was off work and they took care of everything from that side, which was amazing. And I can't thank those girls enough for what they did. Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 19:50

makes such a difference, because financial peril is, you know, most families today can't afford to have one person stop working. Um, and, you know, then you need to be available for hospital appointments, so suddenly, yeah, I think when employers get it right, it can

Andrew Medlycot: 20:05

Yeah. I mean, honestly, they could not, they, you know, and it was so good. We talked to some of them today. Um, not as often as we would do, but through Facebook and things, you see what's happening, but they, they could not have been more helpful and made things. Any more comfortable and easier for us in that respect. So that kind of took all that away. Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 20:25

you have this conversation after the scans, um, obviously they start a treatment. So at this point, are they using words like incurable or

Andrew Medlycot: 20:33

Yes. Yeah. So from the, from the, from the outset, it was, they never used words, kind of quite that dramatic. The use of the words, which mean the same thing, which don't sound as bad. So, um, it was, it was, so the treatment of her chemo was palliative. It wasn't like it was, it was, it was curable treatment. It was, it was straight on to palliative care. Okay. Uh, it was non operable, which meant that there, there was no way of, of, of operating because the, the tumor in her colon, the oncologist, again, one of the most amazing people I've ever known. And I'll never forget him my entire life. Um, he sort of, the analogy he used was that the tumor in her colon was like the trunk of a tree. So it had grown, done its thing, and then it stopped. So it was, it was there, but it was doing nothing. It made, it was causing no more problems. It sets its branches out going and that was what was in her lungs and liver, but the tumors in her liver and lungs weren't Individual tumors. It was like glitter. There's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 21:35

Oh my

Andrew Medlycot: 21:36

of Tumor everywhere. So there's nothing to kind of to operate to remove and so that meant that she couldn't have an operation but the The the thought of being that once you started on chemo it might start to reduce those down you And if it did them to Steve, a few individual ones that could be seen, you know, they could potentially be, um, surgically removed and mess that up. We've do the chemo. It was non operable from day one. And

Rosie Gill-Moss: 22:07

But there's a little bit of hope there, isn't there? There's a tiny little thread of hope, or, you know, maybe. Um, I'm a mum, and the thought of being told that I'm, I would die, you know, I might die, is one of the most horrible thoughts. We fear that. More than we fear our own death, it's the impacts and I feel, oh, sorry,

Andrew Medlycot: 22:33

Well, you got me going up. You know, I thought I'm going to do this. That's right. I

Rosie Gill-Moss: 22:37

I have a, I've got a whole toilet roll just in case.

Andrew Medlycot: 22:41

nothing. I've got some curtain wall birds.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 22:44

You got a sleeve, haven't you? Just like the rest. Um, and I just, I'm trying to, I'm trying to get in Viv's head a little bit and, and, and wonder, I mean, she must have been absolutely terrified.

Andrew Medlycot: 22:56

I couldn't, I, I, I can't imagine that I couldn't put myself in your head cause I have no idea how that must feel.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:02

No, no.

Andrew Medlycot: 23:03

how you come to terms with that and cope with that in that background. But

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:07

And how

Andrew Medlycot: 23:07

sure whether he, I don't know whether he had determination that she was going to beat this. Whether that changed things and it gives her that hope of thinking well I haven't quite had this conversation because it's not

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:19

But do you think that sometimes can prevent the big conversations being had? Were you, you and her able to talk about the big conversations? The, well, it wasn't the possibility, it was the impending, her impending death.

Andrew Medlycot: 23:33

that, but that wasn't until. Uh, a couple of years into, into things and it wasn't until the

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:39

lived quite long with, with such a,

Andrew Medlycot: 23:42

she needs to,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:43

cancer.

Andrew Medlycot: 23:44

so once from the point of diagnosis and treatment of things, uh, it was about two and a half years before she died, uh,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:50

what was her quality of life?

Andrew Medlycot: 23:51

on the sort of bell charts of like expectancies, it was bang on the average expected, which was a bit annoying that, you know, we couldn't have just changed that a little

Rosie Gill-Moss: 24:02

The one time you don't want to be average, right? Mm hmm. What was her quality of life like during that time?

Andrew Medlycot: 24:07

was not, it wasn't too bad. She, she, but again, I think that was more down to her determination to beat this. I think it was worse than Cheetah Arm. I mean, one thing that people always said about, one of the lasting things about her was that she was always smiling. Whenever someone came to see her, when she went out to do things, she was always smiling. And to this day, people that knew her and would speak to her always come under the fact that she was just always, always smiled, you know, despite what would have been going on inside. Because with her chemo, her chemo, the, the, the regime that she went on meant that it was every two weeks. So every two weeks she'd go to the hospital and she'd have an infusion that would last all day. And then she'd come home with a little kind of like pressurized ball. That it should keep plugged in. And that would continue the treatment going for another 48 hours and then should be disconnected. And I would've two weeks, um, before the next one. Um, and the few days after the treatment, it was, it would have an effect and you could see it was, it was burning down. But normally by the end of that week, and then the following week, she would be in a state of being able to, to, to have a fairly normal life. And that

Rosie Gill-Moss: 25:20

to start the whole thing all over again.

Andrew Medlycot: 25:22

um, but in her typicals. Stoic way, instead of just doing that for a few months and then stopping, whilst it was working, she just asked him to just keep going. So she just kept her chemo going, continuously, until those signs that it was long working for, until the oncologist said it was time to stop. So, she put herself through quite a, um, uh, a tough regime of running it, yeah. Um, but, you know, it's hard to tell, whether, you know.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 25:54

And at what point did you start to speak to Riley about this? Because he would have been very young at

Andrew Medlycot: 26:00

it was fine. We, we never had the conversation with him that his mum was terminally ill

Rosie Gill-Moss: 26:06

Mm hmm. It's a, I mean, it's a

Andrew Medlycot: 26:08

knew

Rosie Gill-Moss: 26:08

thing to explain,

Andrew Medlycot: 26:09

not well. Yeah, but we never, we never heard anything from him. So when the district nurses would come to disconnect her from her chemo pump and things and she had a pick line in there, which is the line that goes into your heart,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 26:19

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 26:20

around into your heart and things. Uh, when that was came to be dressed and cleaned, the district nurse would never hide him away. He would come and sit and he loved the nurse. She would come and sit around there whilst he was doing what he was doing. Things, you know, so we never heard that from them We never heard the bad days when she was feeling poorly and she was in bed all day But we never said what the what the ultimate end result may may have been

Rosie Gill-Moss: 26:44

And it's this kind of, to say to a child, Mummy is going to die. I mean, that's going to ruin the time that they've got with them

Andrew Medlycot: 26:52

Yeah, so so I after after about a year or so we've started to write journals names So I think should we had an inkling that the other things may not go the way they were so Um, she started to make notes and write things and she actually wrote a book for Riley. So she had a journal where she wrote stories and things of it, which I've never read. Her mum's got that. So her mum has that and she, she reads that out to Riley.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 27:18

Oh my God,

Andrew Medlycot: 27:19

So it's like, yeah, it's the stories to Riley talking about her life and our life and what's going on and all sorts of things. Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 27:28

thing to do. I mean,

Andrew Medlycot: 27:30

so yeah, which, which, you know, is, is fantastic for him. Cause obviously he has said, I can't

Rosie Gill-Moss: 27:34

come you've not read it? Do you think you're just not?

Andrew Medlycot: 27:37

I've never listened to, I've never listened to her voice on, on video.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 27:40

I've got one voice note that I've listened to and I can't watch videos. Um, I'd like, I feel like I'm getting to the point where I'm ready,

Andrew Medlycot: 27:48

I still haven't listened to her, haven't changed her voice since, yeah. And, yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 27:53

It's weird, isn't it? It's something about seeing them animated makes me Ugh, I'm not

Andrew Medlycot: 27:57

a real piece of mind now. I

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:00

And do you know what? It doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter.

Andrew Medlycot: 28:04

now. It's been so long, it's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:06

Yeah, and then it becomes such a big thing because you've left it for so long. But what a beautiful, beautiful gift to leave for him. That's, that's magical.

Andrew Medlycot: 28:13

And I was never quite sure what to do with it and then, and then I just thought, you know, just, I don't know if I had the strength to read this and I was very conscious about making sure that her mum and Riley had extra

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:25

Yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 28:26

to bond over. So, uh, and she just said, you know, we'll have, we'll have this book, which she gave us and said, you know, do you. Do you want to have it so that you can read lots of this and then you can, you can get strength from it or get what you want to get from it. But then also you can have that with Riley and that could be something that you have

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:43

That's lovely.

Andrew Medlycot: 28:44

do with him. So,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:46

Yeah, I think that's really special.

Andrew Medlycot: 28:48

think she has, you know, gone through some of it and read some things to him and shown him everything. So,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:53

And for him to have that, because, you know, losing a parent at that age, the memories are like grains of sand. And my boys, um, have said, you know, they feel like a dad's memory's slipping through like a, um, an egg timer. And actually one of the things I suggested to Holly that she do for Christmas this year is maybe get a sort of journal for her aunt and her grandmother. And that they sort of document Sarah's life. Because obviously John knows her for a period in her life. But I, I think You want to hold on to as many memories as possible and as much, I think there's a children have this thirst to know more about the parent that they've lost and I just, and what a lovely legacy to leave, you know,

Andrew Medlycot: 29:34

I mean, the thing is, I don't know how many actual real memories he'll have given his age. Yeah. You know, I don't, I'm sure there'll be some in there that actually are true memories that he remembers some being there experiencing it, but everything that he knows about his mom is only ever going to be at hand or set behind, you

Rosie Gill-Moss: 29:50

And that's really sad, isn't it?

Andrew Medlycot: 29:52

know, it makes it difficult. I'm not saying this time goes on those, those stories, those feelings and memories. You know, they do they're never going to go but just

Rosie Gill-Moss: 30:01

but they do fade.

Andrew Medlycot: 30:01

the details will fade and then some so yeah, so

Rosie Gill-Moss: 30:05

My eldest was seven and he said he got quite upset once and said he couldn't remember dad's voice and it is, I have to try really hard and then it's, I find when you suddenly, when you picture them and you're picturing a photograph and you think, oh no, like, Surely, I'm not picturing photographs now. It's

Andrew Medlycot: 30:23

And it's hard to differentiate between are you you know, what are you remembering? You know, you can overthink it where we you know, our our minds type does overthink these things. Um

Rosie Gill-Moss: 30:35

Of course.

Andrew Medlycot: 30:35

Um gonna get stuck in this vortex of Doom but yes, but when it comes when it does

Rosie Gill-Moss: 30:42

all these scenarios that we think are gonna happen as well, but don't. But in your case, this particular scenario did

Andrew Medlycot: 30:50

Yes

Rosie Gill-Moss: 30:51

south. And after, would you say, two and a half years she

Andrew Medlycot: 30:55

Yeah. So it was, it was, again, it was, it was Christmas. So the diagnosis of things all happened around sort of January of every time. And it was two years after that came up to Christmas and she'd just been coming on another run, another really heavy part of chemo. And again, it, it, it, it had been successful and it had sort of, it wasn't, we never got rid of tumors. They, some of the chemos had massively shrinking again, but then whenever she stopped, they'd come back, but then the chemo would work again. But there was only about two or three different types of drug that they had available. So as one finished, the next time they had to go on chemo, it had to be a different drug,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 31:30

you can't repeat

Andrew Medlycot: 31:31

alopecia could become resistant to that drug. So we were only done with sort of the third one, and it had been really successful, and we got to Christmas, and it was decided to have a break at Christmas just to allow her to be able to enjoy Christmas without having, you know, the side effects and things. And there'd been a bit of reduction from that. Um, and then when we stopped over the Christmas, um, it only took a few weeks before I think we could tell that things had really started off again. Um, so, and I can't remember dates at this particular point after that, but went back for more scans, and it was just back with a vengeance, and at that particular point it was, you know, that's, that's, it was, there's nothing much, there's nothing more we can do. And from that point, it just, it was so fast that the rate of things, things changed. Um, so it was, it kind of caught us a little bit by surprise, I think. So we literally, Had two years of, of almost stability, and then we were just

Rosie Gill-Moss: 32:30

Just bam.

Andrew Medlycot: 32:31

at the end, like a snowball, so.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 32:34

And did we go into hospice at the

Andrew Medlycot: 32:37

Yes, so we had, that was another, another discussion that was another, you know, quite hard bit to kind of get through. But this district mayor that we had, Lin, was amazing, and she, she really got on well with Viv, and they got quite close, and had a really good bond. And as time was getting on, Viv was becoming more, sort of, Bedbound, in

Rosie Gill-Moss: 32:58

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 32:59

couldn't get up and move. Just the fatigue and pain and all these sorts of things. Um, and we had to get to this point of having the discussion about what to do. Uh, whether she stayed at home or whether she went somewhere. Um, this was initially was very much about wanting to stay at home, where she was comfortable at her house and all those sorts of things. Um, but I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that. Um, I was just talking with Lynn, the nurse, that, you know, the way she put it made it a lot easier for me to, to decide and she said, if she stays at home, you're going to be her nurse. So what you can do as a nurse, if you can't breathe, cry, sit and hold her hand, you're her nurse. She have, if she goes into hospice, she can be her husband, she can sit there and hold her hand and be there and support her that way. And that's what I wanted, wanted to do. So that was what my thoughts were. Still had a bit of resistance to that, but. Through the speed of things changing, she got to the point where she was in constant pain and discomfort and had no, no quality of life and never left the bedroom. Literally took Lynn and Ernest to sort of set up the bed. She was climbed on the bed. In my head, I visualized her getting her shoulders going. Listen to me! But she can't have done that. She mustn't have done that. But that's how I always visualized it. To say, look, I understand you want to stay here, but He needs to go. It's, you know, he just, you, you are all, it's, you have to do it. It's the best thing for you to do. You'll regret not doing it. You know, let's just go, even though it was just to go there and have a look, just we need to, to get you there. And um, and she listened to them and she said, okay, let's do

Rosie Gill-Moss: 34:45

Funny. I don't listen to you though.

Andrew Medlycot: 34:47

yeah. Okay.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 34:49

That's wives. That's

Andrew Medlycot: 34:50

Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 34:51

And it is, it's one of the most heartbreaking decisions to have to make is to go to hospice because people that go to hospice very rarely come back out. And so it is, it's that end point. It's a

Andrew Medlycot: 35:04

because it's control, it's losing the control, you know, and that's the last bit of control that they have, and to, to give that up, must be a rent, you know.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 35:12

Yeah. And I really, I've heard this sort of comments from hospice before in that you get to go back to be in there, their partner and loving them and grieving for them, because In that moment, if you are a full time carer, you're right, it's a 24 hour job, you haven't, you can't make the time to have conversations with them, to, I don't know, just to sit and hold hands with them, the things that you want to do when you know your time is limited. And when she went into hospice, was she immediately made more comfortable?

Andrew Medlycot: 35:46

Instantly. I mean, it was, it was, um, she got there, she had a lovely room with, behind the doors, without a lovely garden and things. Um, and they got her on the syringe driver and got her drug sorted out. And I think Richie within a few hours of being there, I, I, I think, and obviously I don't know because it's just how I come from seeing her, I think she got there and realised that this was the right thing to do. And she relaxed and it's almost like that was the point where she thought, you know, I can,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 36:15

I'm done.

Andrew Medlycot: 36:15

I'm doing, I can turn it out because she, she, sorry, I thought I was going to do this.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 36:20

No, it's fine.

Andrew Medlycot: 36:21

she, she, within, you know, within a few hours there, she lost consciousness. She wasn't sure what

Rosie Gill-Moss: 36:27

my

Andrew Medlycot: 36:27

really to do and she was just asleep. So whether it was the drugs that were, that were sedating her or what happened, but literally within, Very, very short time of being there and she just relaxed and just, and then it was four days after that, but she died.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 36:42

Oh my

Andrew Medlycot: 36:42

So it was, it was, I mean, and I maintain if she hadn't gone into the hospital, she would have stayed at the tarmac and she would have fought and fought and fought

Rosie Gill-Moss: 36:48

hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 36:50

she may have got another couple of days or something, but she would have stayed there

Rosie Gill-Moss: 36:53

In agony.

Andrew Medlycot: 36:54

in agony. But she got there and, and it was literally, you could, the feeling, you know, I don't believe in spirits and all those sort of things, but you could, it's almost like she just thought, okay, I can relax now.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 37:07

Some people, um, die when their loved ones leave the room, don't they? It's like they, that permission is granted. I, I, I feel really sad for you, and, and really sad for Viv. And this woman just sounds so incredible. When you, when she did die, were you able, were you there,

Andrew Medlycot: 37:30

I was there once you went to the hospice. I had never left that room for the

Rosie Gill-Moss: 37:33

the beauty

Andrew Medlycot: 37:34

So I stayed there, slept there. I never left the room. You're just, I didn't go in the shower. I didn't go and eat. I literally stayed in that room for, for the full time. And then when friends

Rosie Gill-Moss: 37:45

And what did you do? Did you listen to music or anything?

Andrew Medlycot: 37:47

even Riley came to visit sometimes as well. So we go much Riley, we're talking about speaking to him. All right. I don't know if it was cowardly or not, but I didn't actually have to have that conversation with her because the consultants from the hospice, you know, she sat, when she sat with me, she was saying, you know, how there's things with Ryrie, and we said, well, I said that he's never been told that she will die, that she's just, she's very well, and she said, well, do you want me to, to speak to her? So she took us both into a room, and then the nurse came in as well, and we sat there, and she, Kind of very, obviously it's not her first time doing this, but the ways that she talked to him, she just talked about, and she was asking him questions about what he was thinking, or how it was happening, or how did he plot Marie, and what did he think was going to happen. And then she just talked to him around to tell him what was going to happen. Sorry. And, um, and it was just, it was, it was, I can't use the word beautiful because it's not a beautiful thing to do, but it was just, you know, it was,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 38:46

terrible thing done in a

Andrew Medlycot: 38:48

you know, and he did it in such a way that it was just, I don't know, it's just, no one else could

Rosie Gill-Moss: 38:54

And how did he react?

Andrew Medlycot: 38:56

When he cries at those times, the only times he ever probably cried is when I was crying. And I still think it's because he saw me doing this that

Rosie Gill-Moss: 39:04

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 39:05

that's how he should react.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 39:07

Yeah, Hector was the same age, and he was very similar. When I told the boys, um, Monty burst into tears. He was two years older and, you know, made the noise that we talk about. And then, and Hector, I can really vividly remember him looking at his brother. And then bursting into tears, sort of looking to him for, to see the example of what to do. Because there is just no way they can comprehend it at five years old, they can't. And, oh,

Andrew Medlycot: 39:34

she got to see him. She, you know, we had this chat that took her back in again, and this was still while she was, she was still able to talk and she went in and he spoke to her and she said goodbye. And I don't think he ever kind of took it as being like, she's saying goodbye. But, you know, so she got, she got to do that and that was pretty much the rest of it she got to do. And, um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 39:55

my God, I'm, I'm off. It's Tuppen.

Andrew Medlycot: 39:59

sorry,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:00

It's the thought of

Andrew Medlycot: 40:01

come, you know, this will

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:02

thought of her saying goodbye and him leaving the

Andrew Medlycot: 40:04

soon, but you've got to, you've got to go down to come back,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:06

Oh, we got to, we got to dig into it, Andrew, otherwise there's no point. Oh.

Andrew Medlycot: 40:10

you know, it's just funny. It's one thing that it's one thing that, uh, Kirsten, I often have a debate about is who had it worse.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:19

Oh yeah. Sudden, all, sudden, all cancelling.

Andrew Medlycot: 40:20

people are going to watch this soon and I'm going to start making jokes about things. I think when you've been in through our process, you have a very warped sense of humor about death and things. I apologize if I offend anybody, but no one's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:31

I overstepped the mark in an interview yesterday and I was like, I'm really sorry, I might have to edit that out.

Andrew Medlycot: 40:35

but we joke, we joke about who had it worse, you know, because I thought, cause obviously cause Pete

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:41

He died very suddenly, didn't

Andrew Medlycot: 40:42

suddenly with no warning. Whereas I had a lot of warning, you know, and I, I can't comprehend how Kirsty went through what she did, because that to me is just the worst thing could possibly happen. Whereas Kirsty's perspective is, is what I went through, she can't imagine how we've done, and there's no good way of doing it, but it's just,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:59

No, that's kind of where me and John are at, because we're the same way around. He, his wife died from terminal illness, my husband died suddenly, and you do, you sort of think, who had it, who had it worse? Yeah, who's, because you have that cataclysmic sort of shock when it's sudden, but with a slower death, you have to watch the person you love die. You lived for two and a half years knowing that Viv was going to die. That, that, and no matter how hard you fought and how much normality you tried to retain. That must have clouded everything. It must have done.

Andrew Medlycot: 41:27

I, I always talk about my, my grieving started when she was diagnosed.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 41:31

Yeah. John says the same thing.

Andrew Medlycot: 41:34

and I don't know whether people find that shocking or hard to comprehend, I, I, I lost, I lost faith two or three weeks after she had her diagnosis because the person that I married and the person that I married fundamentally changed at that particular point and I lost

Rosie Gill-Moss: 41:51

I think John would definitely relate to that, actually. Because he says the same thing. He said that your relationship shifts. You're not lover, partner. You are caring.

Andrew Medlycot: 42:02

you know, but that person was, was, was different. And, um, so. It's, it's kind of, it's, it's a hard thing to kind of have to go through, you know, it's a difficult one to kind of get your head around.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 42:15

Um, being a man who's a widower, I use the word widow to encompass all people who've lost a partner on here because otherwise it would be a very long title. Um, how, how were things after they died? I can, I'm going to imagine you were quite well supported initially, but I'm thinking of stuff like the school playground when you're the solo parent and trying to facilitate, you know, play dates and go back to work, but also make sure that, that Riley was getting everything

Andrew Medlycot: 42:43

Well, I was very fortunate with my work at the time that they were, they gave me like endless time to be able to be around and be there for, you know, And, and even for about the last six months, I was effectively not working. And, and, and they were, they were, they were fine with that. They were amazingly supportive. Um, but not long after they've died, I had to make a bit of a choice because my work took me away a lot. I was chopping a lot. I was, and, uh, I didn't feel I had the. I didn't have the strength in me to be able to do the job anymore to its best abilities because my sails were empty. Um, but also I didn't want to, and this is one of my own failings, is that I, I hate having to rely on other people. I don't, I always feel like I'm imposing and I, and, and, and I'm a burden on people and I don't want to be that. So, I sucked work altogether and thought I'd take a bit of a sabbatical from work. Um, and again, thanks to the, the, the girls that gives work, they, they handled all of that, the paperwork and things. And I had a small pension that I was able to get, so it enabled me to take a little bit of time to, to, to do

Rosie Gill-Moss: 43:51

bit of breathing

Andrew Medlycot: 43:51

sort of stopped work and I just stayed at home with, with Riley. So I had that time to be able to do that.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 43:58

bet you two are close, are you?

Andrew Medlycot: 44:00

Uh, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Yes.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 44:02

as you can be the 12 year old boy now, right?

Andrew Medlycot: 44:04

again, that's another one, which we should look back. Kind of, it's a really sad thing that he was, he was always a, uh, a mummies boy, always a mummies boy. And the two of them were thick as thieves. It was amazing to watch that. Um, but again, without any kind of conversation or without anything that we told him, because they'd started to slowly become more and more active. It enabled us to have a gradual transition from mummies always doing everything, to then me doing more, me doing more, me doing more, to the point where I was doing everything, but his mum was still here. So that when she did pass away, I don't think it was this, the huge shock of, of just having daddy anymore, because we've, we've managed to have that shift over, uh,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 44:47

often when the dad is an involved parent as well, that helps because John was with Holly. Sarah used to work on Saturdays, so John would always have a, you know, have it on a Saturday. And he did, you know, a lot of the night feeds and nappies and all that sort of stuff. So the bond was there already. And then so as Sarah got sicker, he was Yes, it wasn't such a shock. So to speak. Um, but it also, I think as they get older, I'm noticing now they are able to reflect back and see what we did. You know, the fact that we kept that we kept the boat afloat. Terrible analogy for a drowned husband. But you know what I mean? And we, and yes, not everybody's able to take time off work. And that, you know, that is something that I was able to run Ben's business, which meant I was able to be present. But, okay. try and keep us going. Um, but it, it will have given you both that time to breathe. You'd have been able to be there all the drop offs and pickups of school and

Andrew Medlycot: 45:45

at the stage had an amazing childminder, again, called Lin as well. So the nurse's name was childminder, Lin is childminder was just, again, a phenomenal, phenomenal person who. You know, I credit with a lot of Riley's sort of upbringing was, was, was, we found her here doing that, you know, and she saved my neck numerous times, uh, in, in, in helping with him and, you know, she is, you know, uh, and always, again, always will be someone that I'll never ever forget for what they've done to help me because of what they did for Riley

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:16

Yeah. And it's what people do for the kids, isn't it? That's the stuff you really remember.

Andrew Medlycot: 46:19

you know, so ultimately all that mattered to me at that time was just him, you know, I don't really care what else was happening as long as, you know, You know, he is

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:28

Set me off again.

Andrew Medlycot: 46:29

I know I stopped drinking. That was one thing I had to do because I suddenly became bloody aware that it's just me. And I need, I can't do anything, which is going to,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:38

So tell me, when did that, when did you make the choice to stop drinking?

Andrew Medlycot: 46:41

it was pretty quick after as a couple of weeks afterwards,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:44

Oh, wow. That is quick. So I used it as an excuse to lean into it more.

Andrew Medlycot: 46:48

No, it was hard because, you know, it was just, it was, I was just hyper aware of the fact that it was just the two of us

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:54

Yeah,

Andrew Medlycot: 46:55

and I was just paranoid about

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:58

I probably should have been more concerned, but

Andrew Medlycot: 47:01

my drinking was also facilitated by my work a little bit as well, because I would, I would often go out drinking with work. I had a garage that was full of wine as gifts for clients, you know, which I, sorry for the word, that word is this thing that I had access to just, you know, countless bottles of wine. And it was easy to hide them in there as well. It was, um, and once that all went after quitting work, it was very much a, I haven't got the, I can't afford to do this. It's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 47:28

But that means you stayed sober through lockdown as well, which is no mean feat.

Andrew Medlycot: 47:32

What there was we didn't shows on to those on to chapter two and effective to a knockdown and so These were a

Rosie Gill-Moss: 47:41

let's, let's go in on that, shall we? Yes, so you and Kirsty, if I recall correctly, you actually knew each other when you were smaller, didn't you? When you were, when

Andrew Medlycot: 47:49

this was for and I was nine we

Rosie Gill-Moss: 47:51

Oh!

Andrew Medlycot: 47:52

So we were like little tiny little things. I was swollen Yeah, and our parents my dad's and Casey's mom both were doing a charity parachute jump with an airfield in Northumberland and we both met there and I Don't know what it was to meet our parents gel together But they did, so myself and Kirsty, my sister, we'd be at this airfield at weekends and just running wild in woods, you know, we didn't have phones and those sorts of things back then, so we'd just go and get dirty, climb trees, hurt ourselves. Do all that. So since we first met and there was never any, nothing in it at all with any of us that I was aware. Um, and then we got to our teens and our lives took different routes. I used to swim competitively. I used to be a professional swimmer. So when I'm doing that thing and getting to an opportunity to do arts and things and, um, our lives sort of went and our parents kept continuous down the middle. So we would always hear what was happening with each other. My mother and Kirstie's wedding. I was invited to a wedding, but I couldn't go for any reason for work. Um, but when Pete had his heart attack the same week that we've had her diagnosis.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 49:00

Oh, wow.

Andrew Medlycot: 49:01

my mom and dad mentioned to me, Oh, we've heard from, from Kirstie's parents, this is what's happened to Kirstie. I was like, Oh, my God, that's terrible. And Kirstie's parents said to Kirstie, Oh, I've heard from Andrew's parents. This is what's happened to him, you know? So we kind of. Kirstie got back in touch through Facebook and just we've got just each other to say I'm really sorry to hear what's happened It's terrible and and that was kind of all it was and then there's things kind of progressed And it's mainly after Viva died that kind of Kirstie came forward and said look, you know It says it's a scary world out there in the widowed world. If you need any help I'm here to hear daughters with similar stages to Riley where they lost their dad you know if you want the kids to kind of get together to see if they can form any sort of You Kind of connection to see if that helps and just not there's nothing in it. It was just that I'm experiencing that shit show I'm here to help if you want to we happen to live very close to Custer in Scotland as well all of our families was still down down south and So yeah, so after Everyone I was six months eight months ish. We got the our horses as well an outdoor land and all that sort of stuff It was

Rosie Gill-Moss: 50:13

an easy sell for a kid, that one, isn't it?

Andrew Medlycot: 50:16

we'll see. We came up with a coffee, got the kids and the kids seemed to get on okay. And then it sort of just led to more regular phone calls and then more regular coming up to visit. And there was never any intention or plan of, of, of anything. I think it just, it just happens. And then before I think I was really, we, what's happening. It was like,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 50:39

Bang.

Andrew Medlycot: 50:40

what's, yeah, what's happening here. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah. But it didn't feel, it didn't feel wrong, if that makes sense. Um, and it just sort of took off from there. And what made it even better was the fact that, and what we've seen from watching other couples that we know, that have got essentially just one widowed part, we don't have any of this awkwardness of having a leather person in the room, you know.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 51:05

Yeah, I was going to ask you

Andrew Medlycot: 51:06

here with us that I talked about every single day and there's, there's no jealousy or awkwardness or, or unpromptable feelings. We can just be this one big blended family, including everybody else. And it just feels like,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 51:22

it just works. When it works, right, it works. And I'm sure that you're like, oh, some days there's moody pre teens and, you know, the washing is, is, and you think, oh, my God, you know, what have we done? But those are just things that happen in any, any family as well. And,

Andrew Medlycot: 51:38

perspectives change though. And when those things happen, you don't, you don't read as much into them. You think, well, it's just an argument. You know, it could be a lot worse. No, it could be a lot worse, because we've been through a lot worse.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 51:51

And do you all live together now?

Andrew Medlycot: 51:53

no, we don't live together. We live

Rosie Gill-Moss: 51:54

Not crossed that

Andrew Medlycot: 51:55

we live about 200 meters apart at the moment. That's,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 51:59

the dream.

Andrew Medlycot: 52:00

the logistics, because there would be five of us. Um, it's partly a benefit issue as well, because Kirshy's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:05

of course.

Andrew Medlycot: 52:06

coming through. And if we live together, there's a lot of, all the benefits would stop.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:10

Same with the police as well I

Andrew Medlycot: 52:12

so it's, it's, it'll stay that way for the time

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:14

Don't change it, that's the dream. 200 meters away, you've got your own space, you can keep the romance alive.

Andrew Medlycot: 52:21

it just works, but you know, but we have, you know, everyone just comes and go with small houses and just, it's just one, it's one house, but it's just two wings. So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:30

I've never been to Scotland, I think I might try and come and visit you guys

Andrew Medlycot: 52:33

should

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:33

are awesome.

Andrew Medlycot: 52:34

as we live in an absolutely amazing, beautiful part of the country. And it's in my support.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:40

Well, you guys are there, that's nice enough. Um, you mentioned that you've had therapy, which I'm always really, um, encouraged by, that more men seem to be accessing therapy. Did you start when Viv was poorly, or did you

Andrew Medlycot: 52:55

Yeah. I am. It does start a first sort help when it was diagnosed, um, and I was having real trouble and. It's manifestation that was, was, was where I'll be, I'll be driving and I'll be going from where I live to say to, to Dundee, which is an hour drive away to get there. And I start driving and I'll be fully conscious, obviously functioning, driving things. And then I'll be, I'll be in Aberdeen, which is like an hour and a half past Dundee. And I'm like, I'm not quite sure how I'll

Rosie Gill-Moss: 53:29

And it's scary, right?

Andrew Medlycot: 53:31

and I'm Okay, and that started to happen more and more often and it got to the point where I was getting scared by it You know, being a man, you know I was, I didn't really want to know what to do and all sorts of things and then and it took a lot for me to Actually accept it and go to the doctors and do something about it And then I did that I got put into antidepressants at the time and literally within days It was a night and day difference. I said, why didn't I do this so long time ago? You So that was my first sort of step into taking some sort of steps to, to look after my mental health. Um, but that was it. And I thought that was it. That'd be fine. I can manage the rest of it. And went through everything else. Went through the loss of faith and bereavement thing. So thank you, this is why I'm handling this. I've got issues, but I've always had those issues. Um, but it wasn't until, kind of, Kirsty was more on the scene and we were more together. That, you know, I started to relax and started to think about and talk and talk about things more to realize that, you know, things aren't right and it's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 54:39

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 54:40

reason thing. There's something fundamentally

Rosie Gill-Moss: 54:45

Different.

Andrew Medlycot: 54:46

in difference or, you know, it was a diff, there was a definite difference there. And Riley's got dyspraxia and that

Rosie Gill-Moss: 54:52

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 54:52

noticed by his child mind because all their kids are at this back. So we're going through the, the diagnosis of him with, with, uh, the local authority and, and the NHS and things or cams.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 55:03

Yeah, well.

Andrew Medlycot: 55:03

of the forms to fill in for him. And I'm filling in these forms going, ah, that's great for you. I have that. I'll do that as well. And it's like, well, actually I think there's definitely something to do here. So actually finally I had one almighty, cause I have a lot of panic attacks, which I've never dealt with anybody. I have, uh, I've always had them. I was debilitating sometimes. Anxiety issues and all through my working life I've stood in a choking public and I can sign in front of a room full of thousands of people And I come across as being the most laid back sociable person I could talk to anybody but I have

Rosie Gill-Moss: 55:39

swan, isn't it? We're paddling beneath the surface.

Andrew Medlycot: 55:42

this this totally Incapacitating panic attacks sometimes and I'd never let anyone see them or be involved in them And, um, I had one with, with Kirstie and, um, I basically felt like it was quite shocking because it was physical manifestation of it was, it was quite shocking. And it was like, you need to do something and talk to somebody. Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 56:03

and showing somebody that vulnerability, I'm going to have to jump in here because I'm not going to let you wiggle out of it because I think I need to acknowledge that because, um, as a fellow neurodiverse person, uh, mine manifested in meltdowns and they could be quite, um, uh, I could hit things, I could, um, My body would sort of spasm as well. Um, and I would be so embarrassed if anybody seeing me like this and for me, they started to come around when I stopped drinking and I think alcohol subdued so much of my anxiety. I know that it creates an anxiety, but if you drink enough, which I did, then you stay in a permanent

Andrew Medlycot: 56:35

you find that tipping point, you know, you have a way, you know, a way you can get to it and it has, it's really easy to do it. Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 56:42

me in that really raw state, like I'd rather walk through the street naked than let somebody see me like that. And, but once I did, they ceased to hold quite so much power. And I take, um, I take anti anxiety medication and I meditate and I do all the, all the, all the things, but they are so debilitating and so terrifying. Um,

Andrew Medlycot: 57:05

It's almost

Rosie Gill-Moss: 57:05

I got off on a little bit of a tangent there.

Andrew Medlycot: 57:07

it's like an epi fit almost. Then I, I,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 57:09

Yeah. Yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 57:10

and I'm twisting and

Rosie Gill-Moss: 57:11

Yes.

Andrew Medlycot: 57:13

and, um, and like historical wailing tears as well. And, and I dunno what, and I dunno, what if I, if I, I dunno whether I, I could have stopped it on that particular day and, and or that it was, it was about two in the morning when it happened, whether I could have stopped it or I could have disguised it or what I did, but I just. I

Rosie Gill-Moss: 57:33

Just let it be.

Andrew Medlycot: 57:34

it be that night and it just kind of came out and, and, and that, like you say, once I'd, I'd externalize it to somebody, that was a huge step to, well,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 57:46

cannot go out because I'd be worried that I might have a panic attack when I was out. And so then you stop doing the things you like and then you become isolated, which adds to it. So it's a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. Now you,

Andrew Medlycot: 57:58

the bit that led on to the total, the ADHD side of

Rosie Gill-Moss: 58:00

was my next

Andrew Medlycot: 58:01

Yeah. So we went through all of that and started to work on that. And now I'd go and see the, the psychology department at the, uh, uh, Is it the mental health hospital? It's weird. I hate it when there's a separate hospital just for mental health. I feel like I'm going to the loony bin, which I probably was. Um, that we started to discuss the fact of, you know, there's a lot of these traits and triggers and things that sound a lot like ADHD. And I was very skeptical because I just thought it was the big buzzword. Everyone's doing it at the moment. You do your online tests and everyone's got it. And I'm like, you know, I don't know. But the more we talked about it, the more it seemed to be that it was. And the, the, the biggest one of that particular point, you kind of got the anxiety was sort of like, we understood that, um, it was when I was trying to work and I'd left my old work, I had to do a sabbatical, I'd gone back to being sort of self employed for a while, which meant motivating myself to do things and

Rosie Gill-Moss: 58:57

That's fun

Andrew Medlycot: 58:57

everything's great, you know, I'm out, I'm in a place in my life where, you know, I feel like I'm at one with myself and everything, everything should be great. And it should be, I should be, but. Yeah. I'm sat at my desk trying to work, and I've got the work to do there, and I've got my computer there, the house is empty, I've got a drink there, and now I've got the skills to do this with my eyes closed, I can do it. It's just a way of doing it, I would sit there, and then I would just freeze,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 59:21

Mm hmm.

Andrew Medlycot: 59:22

and I wouldn't start procrastinating or looking at YouTube, but as we sat there, like with one hand on a mouse, one hand on the edge of the keyboard, and we sat there, and then about half an hour later I'd be going, just get up and leave your desk and go do something. But then my head starts playing around and I'm going, well. If you leave your desk, you can't work. If

Rosie Gill-Moss: 59:42

So then you do

Andrew Medlycot: 59:43

at your desk, you might be able to work, so stay at your desk. And I had days sometimes where it'd be four or five hours and I'd just be sat there, stuck in this paralysed nook of doing nothing. And that was the next thing when I just thought, This isn't, it's past being like, just me being lazy or weird or

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:00:04

leaving the cupboard doors open. Yeah,

Andrew Medlycot: 1:00:06

just like, this is just not right. Um, so I decided to go vision as well and had to go private because I couldn't, I couldn't wait a year because of that particular point, I thought it's, it's affecting my quality of life. I need to do this now. And luckily

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:00:24

telling an ADHDer they've got to wait a year. Like, we don't wait.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:00:29

But luckily my parents were. on board with this and, and, and understood and were able to help me with going to get this done privately. And, um, again, went through all that, started medication from that, and again, it was another night and day. And then looking back through my entire life now, I can, I can, I can point and identify things that have been

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:00:55

Did you find there was almost a period of grief? Like, I know this sounds a kind of crazy thing to say to somebody that's lost their wife, but I almost grieved. Myself, because the struggles, the, the, the dangers, the, the jobs I'd lost, the, the friendships I'd ruined, the, you know, the, the kind of destruction that I've left in my wake, and I just think I've, and actually, overall, as part, part of the office, I've had a good life, I've, I've had good jobs, I've done great things, but you just think how much easier would my life have been? and I presented with mental health problems at 11, you know, I was, had eating disorders, and you just think if somebody had just screamed me at that point, I don't know whether my life would have been different, but it's why I went from being one of these mums that said, you know, you don't need to label a kid, you know, to being the kind of mother that got my six year old diagnosed with bipolar dysmorphia, because I was like, no, I can see it in her. Let's do it now. Let's let her know who she is now. And I've spoken to a few widows who've been diagnosed post grief. And I don't know whether there's a I kind of think maybe it's because we go into counseling, so we look at ourselves a bit more closely. But one of my guests, she just said, I just couldn't mask anymore. It's like the trauma just break and you think all the scaffolding that you've put in place to manage your own ADHD without realizing it crumbles, and there you are in all your kind of naked ADHD glory.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:02:18

that's, that's kind of a similar sort of thing as it is that nakedness, saying things are, things are good. Now I feel like I'm on terms of my grief. I can be open about it and have a new life, which is, which is very different. And, but it's good and I'm happy and everything's, everything's great. So there's nothing, I can't blame my work. I can't blame anything else for making me feel the way that I was feeling. There's nothing I'm just left. It's just me. And that's when I thought, it's just, I've got, it's just me, this is what I'm like when everything's shut back. And I don't like it.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:02:53

Yeah, I know. And then I got quite angry because I was like, well, I don't want to have to take ADHD medication, then the anti anxiety medication, I don't, I, I don't want to have to make myself palatable for the rest

Andrew Medlycot: 1:03:03

Yeah, well I'm quite lucky now that I'm, as I'm now on the ADHD medication has gone up the way, I'm starting to see if I can try and step down the way on something like other drugs because a lot of the, I won't say it's a mistake now, but a lot of the sort of anxiety, depressive symptoms that we're trying to treat with the antidepressants, Actually are symptoms of the ADHD. So I wanted to put those in control. I don't need to have those, but it's, it's very much like a, it's a security blanket,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:03:30

oh, a hundred

Andrew Medlycot: 1:03:30

for so long now, the thought of not having them is just, it's, it's worrying.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:03:35

I kind of get really brave and come off them. And sometimes I'll be like, I'm coming off the ADHD meds as well. I don't want to take speed anymore. And then I'll realize that I've got some work to do and I can't. So, because I, you know, I have. probably rang on about this book that I'm writing, but I've nearly written a book. Now, I could not have done that without the ADHD medication. I'm on a quick release, I take it after breakfast, I come to the office and I can work for four hours and then it kind of leaves my system. Because I found when I was on the all day medication, this is the new podcast here, guys. Welcome to ADHD.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:04:05

Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:04:07

Um,

Andrew Medlycot: 1:04:07

I'm missing more Italian now.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:04:09

Yeah, but I found that that's helped me, but we can talk about this another time. But there's, there's lots and lots of ways because sometimes the full dose can land really heavy. And I got, anyway, I digress. So should we go back up back into the podcast? So your life now sounds Pretty good. You just said that, you know, it's not the life you have planned. It's not the journey you thought you didn't embark on, but as a result of losing Viv, which is the most awful thing to have happened to you and Riley, you have gone on this journey of self discovery. You've, you've sought out treatment. You've, you haven't, you've done everything that all my guests have done. You haven't gone. Well, that's it. That's over then. I'll just exist. You've, you've made a life for yourself and for Riley. And I don't think people seem to think we,

Andrew Medlycot: 1:04:54

sorry,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:04:55

Oh, I know.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:04:56

Riley, I think it could have been very, very, very different,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:04:59

Yes, I, I know, I know,

Andrew Medlycot: 1:05:01

if I hadn't had him, I could see myself very easily just slipping further and further and further down the slope until, you know, and I'd like to think somebody would have eventually stepped in and intervened, but,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:05:13

but it's difficult

Andrew Medlycot: 1:05:14

I would have gone.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:05:15

and, and when you're in addiction, you don't want to hear it. Um, my mum told me repeatedly that I was drinking too much, but I just told her she was boring and was trying to ruin my life, you know, but that's, it is something you have to come to and I'm, I'm, I think it's incredibly admirable that you did it so soon after Vivian's death because for most people and particularly ADHD is within a, with a drink problem, that would have been an absolute catalyst for disaster.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:05:39

I think I replaced him with Candy Crush, because I have to have some addiction, and after Candy Crush took over. Ha

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:05:45

done? I've started vaping. It's disgusting. I need to stop. I just, it's like I have to do one bad thing to myself, you

Andrew Medlycot: 1:05:51

No, I agree. You have to, you have to have

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:05:54

We've got to have a

Andrew Medlycot: 1:05:54

compulsion to have one, one thing or another.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:05:57

Yeah.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:05:57

So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:05:58

Do you know what, Andrew? I have really, really enjoyed this episode. I really like you, and I'm gonna message your lovely partner and tell her so in a moment, because you are so engaged with, I wanna say with the process, like you are so committed and you have been, and it sounds like you have been so throughout the whole of Vivian's illness. And I hope you know what an incredible role model you are for your son. Andrew.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:06:25

don't

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:06:25

Might not feel it all the time, but I'm, I'm telling you, and you know, my word is law on this podcast. So, mm

Andrew Medlycot: 1:06:31

Yeah, I have. I said before, I have had a fundamental change of life. You know, it was like an epiphany. I've gone from very materialistic. We had a nice life, you know, and a lot of money and lots of possessions and cars in the house. And I have none of that anymore now, but, but what I have got is just this overwhelming urge to help people, uh, talk about mental health. And so I work in the community now, along with VR. I've got, I have a mental health first aid there. I've done my suicide prevention course and, you know, all these sorts of things that I just, I just have this massive desire to, I mean, if I turn the camera around and you saw the state of my house. Absolute chaos.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:10

I've got one tiny bit that's behind me right now.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:07:13

when it comes to wanting to do things for, for the people around me, it's like, that's just all I wanna do now. You know? And

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:19

because you're a nice dude.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:07:20

change and it's, you know, I, whether it's because of that, that I am where I am now, but it's, it's, uh, you know, it's, it's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:27

I think you realize that money doesn't matter. You know, somebody's got cancer. There's no amount of money or possessions that's gonna buy you anymore. And you know, we're very fortunate. We have a nice house, and we have nice holidays, but I'd sacrifice all of those to be safe and happy and content.

Andrew Medlycot: 1:07:44

here. Anyway. No, thank you. Thank you for having me on. I,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:47

I might get you on my other podcast to talk about men's mental health, because that's something I want to cover, so I'll definitely message

Andrew Medlycot: 1:07:53

but thank you, today. Thank you for allowing me to say some things that, you know, that I don't

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:59

you did really well. You did really, really well. For anybody who is listening out there, particularly the boys, we hope that you've managed to find some, something in this episode, even if it's just a little bit of comfort. You can message me. Yeah, we both cried. So, you know, you I was that give us a little review for that at least. Um, you can message me, you can message me at the Instagram, which is Widowed AF, or my own Instagram, which is Rosie Gill Moss. And I will try and get back to any questions. Um, but for now, take care of yourselves out there. Lots of love.