Hello, and welcome back to Widowed AF. You're here with Rosie and John. Ah, there we go. Seamless. We are just gonna record a fairly brief Famous Last Words. It will be, because we're restricted by the school run today. So, we talked in our previous, uh, chatty episode about The importance of this not becoming a, um, a demand, and something that puts extra pressure on, because life can feel quite pressured anyway, and I want this to still be something that I enjoy doing. So we might not be as regular as clockwork as we have been, um, but I don't think that really matters. I don't think any of you are going to Take us to task for not putting out two episodes a week, on time, every week. So,

I mean

I

mean, if you want to.

You're welcome to have a go at doing it and see how, uh, see how you fare. Um, but, so welcome back everybody. And we've got a few things to talk about. I've even printed out a list. Um, but primarily, uh, We're going to talk about, I think passage of time is quite a big one for today, don't you? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think so. So for anybody that doesn't know, it was my birthday on Saturday, and I don't know about the rest of you, but birthdays can be quite, um, and forgive me for using this word, but quite triggering. I think it marks the passage of time, um, my birthday is March, Ben died in March. And for me personally, I'm now a year, I'm now 43, um, I know, shocker right? But Ben was 42 when he died. So. Yeah, a few feelings have been stirred up, I guess. And I don't want to sit here and pontificate and say, I'm going to enjoy every moment that he didn't get to have, I'm going to, you know, live in the moment and squeeze joy out of every second, because that is just completely unobtainable and would be setting myself up to fail. But it did make me re evaluate a bit and think, actually, I am still here, and He's not. And that's really shit. Um, it is really shit. But as, as we talk about all the time, you, you, you, you kind of have those two choices, don't you? And I rather hope I might get another 43, all being well. I mean, depends how much my past catches up with me as we get old age, but

We can but try though, we can but try.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And, um I did manage to have a party on Saturday which, uh, it was quite a small affair and it was in our house, which for those of you who know me personally, will know that since Party Rose died a death two years ago, two years tomorrow by the way, I have been off the booze, hosting a party, I can do it in the garden, or at a venue, But somehow there's something about it being in my house, and I guess that's because that's when I would have got absolutely smashed. Because drinking at home, like there's no other drinking like it, right? Um, but actually it was really nice, and um, there was a hard finish of 9 o'clock, 9pm. There was, and people obeyed it as well. They did, I think the final stragglers left at 9. 20, which I'll take that. And we had a really, really nice time. It was really chilled, the kids were all there. Um, I got somebody to do a graze table, which repeatedly people ask if I'd done. I feel like people don't know me at all. Um, I refer you to the cake I, in inverted commas, made for Hector's birthday last year.

But,

I think sometimes these things do come at cost. And I had Let's call it a meltdown, in the morning, and I took myself off, I decided I'm gonna go and spend some money on myself, I'm gonna go for a little treat, so for some reason, unknown to anybody, including myself, I went to Maidstone. And for those of you who are not local, unless vape, some fast food, or something from the pound shop, it's quite tricky to spend money in Maidstone. Yeah, there's

not much else down there.

Um, but I then felt very ashamed of it, because I felt that I'd Behaved in, quite, behaved in, oh Jesus wept. Behaved in quite a toddler esque fashion. Um, and I guess I did, but I'm also realizing that there is a little toddler brain in all of us, or a lizard brain, and sometimes it doesn't, we don't act our best selves and we might behave in a way that we're not entirely proud of. But I said, sorry. I had sat in the car park and I had a big, big cry and actually.

Um,

with the love of my, my family and my friends, I had a really, really nice day, but I guess we don't talk about it because as I talked to a few people and said, I'd had this, you know, I would call a mum meltdown almost universally people are, Oh God, yeah, I've done that, you know, or one year mother's day they did nothing and I had a meltdown and I suppose it's that taking away that kind of veneer of perfection, isn't it? And saying, actually, you know, I did behave like a bit of a brat or. But it's all about what you do after.

I wouldn't say Brad. He, um, it triggered you, your anger, and you, you took yourself off. Mm. Um, but then, you know, when you came back, you then still had to process some stuff through. Mm. Um, which, like, you're allowed to do. Yeah. You know, the minute you stop acknowledging these feelings that come through, I mean, I get rage and anxiety, which turns into paranoia, which is a fucking pain in the ass. Um. And, don't beat yourself up.

Well, it, and I think it is so easy to beat yourself up and actually taking yourself out of the situation sometimes, if you can, because not everybody can. If you can, just take yourself out of the situation. Actually that could even be just to a different room in the house. If you, if you can go and My mum used to lock herself in the loo, I can remember this. I

mean,

I don't blame her. Um, but this This kind of feeling of, um, needing to escape is, is quite common, um. Regular listeners will know that I'm also neurodivergent, so things tend to build up in me to I'm trying to find a way of describing Considering I'm a podcast host, this is not terribly articulate, but it's sort of, it's like that pot boiling over. So, it'll simmer, simmer, simmer, and then it'll just kind of explode. And I wish that I was better at, um, letting out incremental bits of this emotion. And it is something, like we say, we're a work in progress, and I am trying, and I am working on it. But, um, yesterday morning, I, um, I, I, I just decided that I was going to take myself to a hotel for the night. Even as I say that, I can feel the breath catch in my throat because of, um, how people might hear that and perceive that. And I actually went to counselling this morning and I talked about it and she's sort of saying to me, Why, what do you think people will think? So I'll tell you what I think people will think and I think that they will think that I am selfish, that I am spoiled, Um, that I am, uh, affluent enough to be able to go and book a hotel room for the night, um, because You know, not everybody can do that. That I have the luxury of you being here to look after the children so I can check out for 24 hours. But actually what, the difference between this and other times when I might have, um, or anybody might sort of storm out the house in a mood was I didn't leave in a mood. I packed and I said to you, this is not about you, this is not about our relationship, it's not about how I feel about you or the kids. I just need to not be mum for a bit. Yep. So I went and, um, went to a hotel and I, I immediately went to sleep. Then I woke up and, you know, I was in contact the whole day. This, this was not a, um, I've left you situation, I promise. Nobody needed to worry out there. But it, giving myself permission to do it was quite difficult. But actually it was really valuable and I slept. I ordered way too much room service. I'm surprised I could fit through the door on the way out. And I booked a massage. And I came, I was up this morning at half past six and I was home before the kids were up to get them, you know, So in the grand scheme of things, it was a tiny little break. And how many parents will go away for work anyway? So it doesn't actually impact on the family unit. The only person that is feeling bad about it or concerned about it is me. But actually, it was a really healthy way, outlet for all those, and I'm going to use the term I use with the kids, all those big feelings.

Yeah. And, and, and to counter, uh, counter your feelings, had you stayed home, and stayed in the house, it would have probably become a boiling pot again. Mm hmm. Um, which would have probably made you feel even worse than, you know, going and taking the break. Mm hmm. Um, and it, you know, you, you went in a hotel, never, never, it, We have the means to do it, we shouldn't be ashamed of doing that. I know it's not a, uh, popular opinion in this country at the minute to, um, have, uh, have, like,

I

don't know what, I can't figure my words out. I'm still covered with coughs, I'm still struggling with my words. Yeah, John's got the plague, which

he's shared with me, which is nice.

But, um, you know, everyone needs to find That thing that char that can recharge them. Um, and if ev you know, once every quarter, once every six months or once every year, I got, hang on a minute, you don't know how often you're gonna need to do it because you don't know the pressure at home. You need to go, uh, and spend the night in a hotel. Um, and that gives you the re reset for you to come back and be who you want to be. Yeah. How can you feel selfish for doing that? That's, that is the absolute definition of what our counsellors tell us to do, which is the, um,

Oxygen mask. Yeah. Yeah.

Looking after yourself first.

Yeah, and

it,

you know, I didn't check into the Ritz, it was a Marriott, but, and it was just the kind of, um, a non anonymity of it, just closing the door, and just, you know, I just watched crap on the telly, and, um, I'm a bit of a Kind of the only neurodivergent superpower I seem to get was the speed reading, so I took three books with me. I only read one. But just nobody wanting you for anything, no requirements, not being mum, not being you know, not just To remove yourself from the occasion and as I'm saying this I'm thinking about when, um, Lulu and I were first friends I had Scarlet and I booked her into a hotel, um, actually just up the road from this one Because she didn't get much time to herself and I'm thinking now as I say this that If you've got kids, which I guess is the primary restriction to being able to just bugger off into into the sunset Is to ask, because if you don't ask, you don't get. Um, because people won't necessarily think to say, Oh, I could have your kids and you could go away and just sit in a hotel room on your own. Because people might not realise how restorative that can be. Yeah, that's an option. So, I think, if you're not doing, if you, sort of, You've kind of got nothing to lose. I suppose a lot, there is an element of not wanting people to say no because that can feel like a rejection, especially when you're very sensitive around your children when you're widowed, perhaps. But I, I think if you can, um, and I guess it doesn't have to be a night away, but there's something about just being, I have my phone on do not disturb, you guys can get through the, yeah, you guys. You can't, you lot. John can get through, the child in the house with the phone can reach me, and my, my parents can reach me in the school, you know, so I'm not completely, But it was just really nice in a way to just kind of remove myself from society for 24 hours. And I would wholeheartedly recommend it if you can.

And that may be going to a football match. Or it may be playing an instrument. Yeah.

Yeah.

But you know, basically just make the time for yourself. Um, and. Figure out what it is that brings you back to where you need to be. And then just go and do that when you feel the need to do it.

Yeah, because I guess for not for everybody would be that need for silence. But I think when you, um, have a busy household, which we do. And I've, I guess I'm neurodivergent. So the noise, the sensory overload. The kind of, um, I don't want to use the word pressure about my birthday. Because that sounds like I'm saying it's a bad thing. But you are under the spotlight. And it, you know, I had more people in the house than usual. And. I think just to respect what makes things difficult for you and try, if you possibly can, to find a way of just loosening that pressure valve a little bit. Anyway, that was a long, we spent longer on that than I anticipated, actually.

But I think it's very valuable for people to hear. You know, people might be sitting there going like, I need a break, but I don't know how to do it. I shouldn't do it because I'm the only one here, but you should fucking do it.

Yeah.

You should do it, because if you're there looking after other people, then you need to be as good as you can, yeah. You need to be in a fit state to do it, right?

You need to be in a fit state to do it. And I, traditionally, my release would be to get hammered, to get absolutely trashed. And I'm even thinking back to, you know, the early days of our relationship, when, um, we employed some very complicated arrangements to have a night away together, because we didn't live together. And We would come back with just hideous hangovers and then have to roll into parenting again. And I suppose that finding a different way to get that same Release, for want of a That's Jesus Christ, use that in the same sentence as weekends away, eh? Um, I've lowered the tone, I do apologise. Um, but

It's about remembering you're a human being first. Yeah,

exactly, yeah, remembering that you're a human being. I think you're right, and it is something that I do quite regularly say to the kids, is I'm a human being too! And actually sometimes I take to, uh, I'd say one of them will complain about Oh, my window won't close properly. And I'll be like, well, you need to refer that to maintenance team in the morning. Or, um, I don't know, I'm hungry. Well, I'm afraid that the restaurant is closed for this evening. It's self service only. My

classic one is on the school room. What am I having for dinner tonight? And I'm like, I'm taxi, not chef today. Yeah. Um.

Yeah, it's, it's, um. And sometimes even saying that back to them. And, I mean, Hector will be quite literal. And he'll be like, you're not a, you're not a chef. I'm like, no, but the way you're talking to me makes me feel like one. Now I promised you all that I would update you on EMDR therapy which for those of you who are not familiar it's eye movement desensitization, I don't know

what the R

stands for. I don't know. Sorry, that's not terribly well researched but, um, I did start the process, I went and met with a therapist and The initial meeting was okay. I had some reservations about it, but I, I, as a general, I got on quite well with her and I sort of thought, okay, I've got through the door now. Um, and then it was, it was meant to start properly in inverted commas last week. No, I got, I got outside, you, you took me over, so John drove me there. And in the car I just had this massive, massive outpouring of grief, and I just sobbed, and I just, you know those real body shaking toddler cries? And John was sort of comforting me and saying, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. But, and I did, I got into the door, and I got into the room, and I don't know, I don't know. The only thing I can tell you is that my gut told me to get out of that room. And I, it didn't feel right. Now, EMDR is very, very intense and it can set, well, the whole point of it is to go back in, find the really kind of painful moments in your history and desensitize you to them. Well, within, I don't know, like three minutes of being in the room, she was saying to me, go back to, um, when the police knocked at the door. At which point I sort of said, are you not going to buy me dinner first? You know, I felt a bit, like, Warm me up a bit kind of thing, and I said, I'm really sorry. I can't do this. And I left, which then led to a shame spiral, but I'm actually really proud of myself because I didn't push myself to do it when I, my body was telling me it was wrong.

Mm-Hmm,

But you also. push yourself just to go through the door. Because sometimes, just getting through the door the first time is, is what you need to do. So, get through, what, what do we say? Um, go through the door but look for the exit. Yeah. Um, and as long as you can do that, then the next phase is not, generally not as scary.

Yeah, and it's, uh, I, I, I do still want to do it, and I'm not sort of saying, oh that's it now for me and EMDR, I'm not, I'm not going to go back into it. I, I probably won't go back to the same practitioner because I think. I think in order to do this, you have to feel entirely safe, entirely comfortable. And I'm not saying that she was not a good therapist. I, my gut feeling is that my case might be a little too complex. So, um, there is actually a new counseling, um, what was it, like a center? Opening up in, in the village that we live in. And I did ask them yesterday, actually, if they're going to be offering EMDR. And from April, they are. So I am going to give it another go. I thought it's probably not a bad idea to get March over and done with anyway. It's the anniversary of Ben's death this month, it's your wedding anniversary this month, it's like we got Mother's Day, we're just getting smacked from every single angle this month. But to, um, to brighten the month of March, we are I mean, look at me. Oh, I had a night in a hotel. I'm just about to tell you I'm going away for two nights at the weekend. Look at me, I never get a minute to myself. What a load of bullshit. Excuse me, John's just going to, uh, cough up a lung. Oh no, he actually might be coughing up a lung. Are you

alright?

Should I help? Or just watch

him? No, uh, okay. It just, um, randomly attacks me.

Hundred Day Cough. Anybody else got this horrible, persistent cough? It's absolutely brutal. Um, so yes, John has, uh, it's sort of a semi surprise because I know that we're going to London, I know where we're staying, Um, oh, and we're going to Country to Country on Friday night. So I will be dusting off the, one of the many pairs of cowboy boots and, um, mingling with my own kind. So we are going to have a couple of days away, which I do think is, if, if you are in a relationship, and particularly if you're in a relationship and you've got children, it is, it's something Ben and I always try to do. And you and I do try and get away when we can, but it's, it is tricky. It is tricky because grandparents, It's a lot to take on four kids for two days, um, so childcare is expensive, um, so I mean Aunty Lulu is coming to the rescue. I totally pitched Mrs Doubtfire then, help, it's on the way here! So they've got Aunty Lulu looking after them for the weekend, which will no doubt involve them being spoilt rotten and probably more craft than I would normally get involved with. Thank you, Lulu. And actually having a friend that I can, I can ask to help with the kids is, is so valuable and they just adore her and she adores them. It is hard. We don't have family locally, we don't have that sort of grandparents on the doorstep or brothers or sisters locally that we can just say, Oh, would you mind having the kids for the weekend? And quite often what we do is we divide and conquer. So, you know, Holly might go to Hermitown, Lance, one of mine might go to the Grandparents. So we, we sort of figure it out and I, I kind of feel that if you want to do it badly enough, you'll find a way. Uh, so I don't actually know what's happening the rest of the weekend, which is really, really goes against the grain for me because I'm a slight control freak. Don't snigger. Are you sniggering at the word slight?

No.

So I will let you know, um, what, what, what surprises you. No pressure. No pressure, John.

No pressure.

And another bit of good news for you is that we have tickets for Widstock. They have been printed. They're in my sticky, not literally in my hand right now, but they are in my sticky little hands. I've got flyers. I've just had a meeting with the business manager from the venue, which sounds very much cool. It's, it's my daughter's school, but it's a really nice venue. And, uh, it, we've got such plans to transform this, this field into a kind of magical wonderland. And, um, I can feel the excitement building around it in the village, which is lovely. So, the first people who are going to buy tickets are people who subscribe to the newsletter. So next week you will get an email from me, um, and within that email there'll be a link to buy tickets, and after that, they'll go on general release. So just to let you know, due to restrictions from the council, we can only have 500 guests. We'll go bigger next year if it sells out. And that has to include people who are going to be working there. So we don't, we have, I'm going to say 450 tickets to err on the side of caution. So if you do want to come, I would urge that you get your tickets. Um, I, I don't know, I don't know whether we'll sell 10 or, or 450. We shall see. Yeah. We shall see. We are, neither of us has ever hosted, has ever organised or hosted anything of this scale before. So it, we really are kind of, Pissing in the wind.

But I've got It's not that random. We do know what we're doing.

Yeah, we do. And we've got really great, um, Some really great suppliers. We've got some great bands. We've got a couple of WAF previous guests who are going to DJ. And, you know, bouncy castles, glitter, um, I can't, I'm running a sensory tent. If you maybe, yourself, or maybe you have a child that would not enjoy that sort of, the noise and the sensory aspect of it, there will be somewhere that they can go and chill out. We're gonna have to make sure that there's Wi Fi, I think. And the idea is, it's not just for widows, it's, it's not, it's for anybody. Anybody that wants to come and just be part of something. Quite magical and there'll be, there'll be people dotted around to give you a hand with the kids if you're on your own. So you, you don't feel like you've, you've got to have, you know, full attention for the whole time. Although please, you know, you are responsible for your own children, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Um, and there'll be a bar, even though we're dry, we, we, we don't mind you guys having a drink. So, I mean, I'll tell you, there'll be more information on it coming out, but it's, I'm, I am quite excited about it. It feels I suppose it feels a little bit like WAF did when we first launched it, it's like you're sort of putting out your creation into the world and you don't know how it will be received but I'm, I hope that you will get tickets and actually the first 20 tickets sold you'll get a free WAF enamel pin, so bear that in mind. Um,

I don't think,

I don't, I think that's probably it for now isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, and the reason we're delaying, um, well not delaying, but the reason it's, we're waiting for the tickets to come to you like in the next couple of weeks is because I have to do the legal and incorporate inside of it and make a proper company and insurances and the rest of it. Yeah,

I just, I just run around like a sort of drunk leprechaun shouting ideas out that I want to. And then John takes this, you know, the ramblings of a scattered mind and formulates them into concrete plans. So, the dynamic duo, I mean, you know, that's, maybe we can stick with that.

Maybe.

The dynamic duo. Oh, Jesus Christ. What is it, Batman and Robin? Batman and Robin. Who's who? I'm not Robin. You're Robin. I'm Batman. Um, and just for, you know, some, uh, Lolz came home from, um, doing the school run the other day and went into the front room and Tabby has his art, she's six. I'd bought some little tea light holders and some of those flameless candles for the party on Saturday and she's put a circle of them and she's got, I think, a carrot and a comb in the middle. What on earth are you doing? Oh, I'm making offerings for ghosts.

And we live in a 300 year old house.

Yeah. Yeah. No, there's nothing, it's slightly creepy that. Even more creepy when she says, I'm going, uh, unfortunately my daughter started calling her dad, her biological dad, Ben, but they do what they do, right? And she's like, I'm, I'm going to see if I can summon Ben, and I'm just thinking, oh

bloody

So on that note, um, anything your kids have done that's been particularly creepy this week, feel free to share it with us. And um. Until I speak to you next, you guys take care.

Bye

bye. Bye everyone.