hello and welcome back to Widowed AF. I am here alone today, guys. So if you have tuned in to hear the dulcet tones of your resident Northern Widower, um, he is otherwise engaged. So I am just recording a short episode just to kind of give you guys a little bit of an update of what's been going on. Because we sort of vanished without a trace. I need to remember to breathe, sorry. I don't know why I forget to breathe as soon as the microphone's in my face. So, all is well. That's what I'm going to say to you first. All is well. We're okay. John is processing some pretty heavy stuff. And, um, while he does so, We just needed to keep a low profile. And I'm not going to talk too much about the details of this because it's not my place to do it. Um, he is planning to actually be interviewed by me. Uh, I think that was episode three that we did that one. Um, and I think it won't necessarily be about being widowed. I think he's going to talk a little bit about childhood trauma and, um, toxic parents. Because As he has sort of tentatively put his head above the parapet, what he has discovered is there are a lot of other people who experienced or are experiencing very similar things to him. So much like WAF was born of this realization, um, I think perhaps we will record something and put it out and see if it's cathartic and healing for him, um, primarily, because that's my, my main concern, and perhaps if it does some good out in the wider world. Just to update, I'm absolutely freezing. This office was so hot in the summer and, um, it's not, nobody actually has been out here for a while, so it's freezing. Oh, so everybody that's watching it, that's why I'm sort of shivering away over here. Um, I also felt I had done a bit of a disservice to poor old Nina because she didn't get her kind of catch up episode after and I really, really want to do one for her because of the nature of how her husband died and just the kind of I don't know, the, she really thought she'd found her sort of happy ever after and it got snatched from her and it was just such a, I don't know, it moved me, it did, and I really liked Nina as well, I, I like all my guests but, um, and She, she talks in, she talks really openly about a type of cancer that we still shy away from. Um, because anything to do with poo, we don't really want to talk about, especially women. And I think men sort of want to maybe shield us from that a little bit as well. So. And she very openly says that she just didn't want to accept that he was as poorly as he was. So she talks a lot about this idea of denial and then having to come to acceptance. And it's a really, really good episode and I will talk in more detail about it when I've got my co pilot back. Because, um, it is a similar type of cancer to the one that Sarah died from. So I think it's always not quite handy, if that's the right word. That's awful, isn't it? Shouldn't speak like that about people losing their partners, but helpful to helpful, that's a better word, to have, um, somebody with kind of real life experience to, to weigh in on it. But, um, Nina and I have been in touch and, um, I dare say that we'll see her shaking her tail feather on the 31st of August. On that, I've got a venue and I've got toilets. We're making progress. So, for anybody that doesn't have it in their diary and would like to come, Woodstock tickets will be going up for sale probably next month. Um, but the date for your diaries is Saturday the 31st of August and it will be in West Malling, which is in Kent in England, for those of you who are listening, farther afield. So, I will circle back to where I started really, kind of back in the Gill-Moss household. And, uh, as you guys will know, if one of the team goes down, the other one steps up and you kind of get a little see saw effect. Um, which you don't have the luxury of if you're on your own. So, you know, actually being able to if you are currently putting on that mask every day and trying to go and go back in and process your trauma and perhaps break down and lay yourself raw and exposed, it's something that you can kind of only do when you feel safe enough to do so. So if you are currently putting on that mask every day and trying to show the world that you're okay. That's what I did. That's what I did when Ben died. I masked up, I drank a lot, and I just pretended that everything was okay when inside it really wasn't. And I used to overthink it as well. I used to think, am I behaving correctly? Is this how a widow should behave? Should I wear makeup? Should I not wear makeup? And you, you just don't know what's expected of you. And so you just keep going. Now That meant that I didn't process a lot of my grief. So now, almost six years on, I'm having some quite significant grief attacks. But, it's the only way I could do it. I was on my own. I had three small children. One was only six months. I, I couldn't open that Pandora's box at the time. And, in a way, that's what John's having to do now. He's going back in and opening a Pandora's box on his past. And it's, and it's hard. It's really hard. When they say you've got to do the work, It is work, and it takes, it can be, it can feel like a full time job, and we have the luxury of being able to work around our own schedule, and I know that lots of you don't have that as well, so whilst, um, I want to share what we're going through, I also am aware that some of you will be thinking, When do I get to do it? When do I get to have the breakdown? Or when do I get to talk to somebody? And the only bit of advice I can give you is, while this was going on this week, I didn't mask up. I allowed people to see me crying, and I allowed people to see me in distress, and I asked for help. And I know how difficult that is, especially when you're widowed. Because you want to prove to the world that you can do it, that you can cope, that you're not going to crumble, that it's not going to defeat you. Um, and You're sort of scared that if you let even the slightest chink of vulnerability show that the whole thing will chasm open and all your feelings will fall out. Um, they might, but they'll, you can help, you can pack them back in again in a nice tidy order. And I was just Supported by my mum friends from school, by friends from afar. Anybody that checked in with me and asked me how I was, because, you know, you do with your mates, don't you? We all communicate via text and WhatsApp these days. Um, I was quite honest. Perhaps a little too honest sometimes, but actually, if your friends and your family really want to support you, then you have to let them see you a little bit vulnerable and a little bit angry or scared, because Otherwise they're never really getting to know you in it and it's all just a facade that will come, that has to be open at some point. God, this is turning into a lecture. Sorry guys, I didn't mean to do that. I suppose the crux of it is, um, that saying that I love, which is that shame can't live in the dark. So if you have got these big kind of shameful or, I don't know, really squashed down feelings or dark thoughts, Just say them to somebody, like somebody, or say them out loud on a dog walk, or a dog, borrow a dog, or just go for a walk, you can just go for a walk, I, I can't ever go for a walk without the dog, it's weird. Um, but, yeah, I guess I'm trying to say that if, those walls that we build up to protect ourselves, it's alright to let people peek, peek through them occasionally, and normally they'll, they'll be pretty nice, and if they're not, you can send them to me. I, in other news, I was on a podcast myself this week. I went on to sober stories with Terry, who, um, is on Instagram under sassy sober mum. And it was quite cool actually. I, I was quite proud to talk about sobriety because I'm hitting two years quite soon. So it's, I feel sort of secure enough in my sobriety and that. You know, I'm not judgmental about people drinking, by any stretch of the imagination, guys. You know, do what, do what you gotta do, what you want to. But I, for me, it became untenable. And it was beginning to have a really kind of devastating impact on my health, my relationships. And had it been left to continue, I don't think I would be. I wouldn't be here now, I wouldn't be talking to you guys now because I was hung over, sort of, 90 percent of the time and that does not make for big ideas and, um, launching yourself into a world of podcasting. But, anyway, I digress. Um, it was, yeah, it was good to talk about, sort of, the aspects of my life, aside from being bereaved, that have led to my, my, kind of, addictions and, um, Kind of desire to, um, self destruct, dopamine, mind, whatever, whatever. Push or pull, we're talking, um, when it comes to alcohol. And I wonder if some of you guys might resonate, because I do talk about, you know, leaning into it when Ben died. And I know that we talk rather affectionately about the chicken and wine phase, which is a perfectly valid, normal, and acceptable process to go through. But it's when you are struggling to get back out the other side that you might want to reach out. And I found Sober Podcast, Sober Book, Sober Instagram, I just immersed myself, and I found it really helpful. Um, I think I would say, and I think I do say it in the podcast, is Dry January is not a very good representation of what sobriety is like, or lack of alcohol, um, however you want to term it. It's, um, because it's really crap January, isn't it? Everybody's miserable, the weather's rubbish, nothing's happening. Um, so, I think if you're having a go at Dry January, could I persuade you to dip into February for a bit, maybe? But, um, that's not what I'm here for in this podcast. But it has made me think about doing Some interviews around some other areas, so I know I've, I know I've alluded to this and I have got some things ticking away in the background. Uh, and I guess this is sort of a, a trial isn't it, because it's just me yakking at you. Just have a look. Oh god, it's only been ten minutes, I feel like I've been talking for ages. It's probably because so much was said in such a short space of time. Um, but yes. I'm going to leave it, I think, for now, because Jon will be back next week and we're going to have a much more in depth conversation and fill you in on what's been happening, but for now, please look after yourselves. And actually, before I go, a big thank you to those of you who did message me, because Jon did quite a post on his own personal Facebook, um, kind of outing his mum, as it were. as a bit of a negative influence on his life. I'm trying to be really diplomatic because, like I say, it's not my, it's not my story to tell. So, um, and a couple of you have actually reached out to me and I, I really am grateful and I think you're all amazing and I love you lots and I can't wait to be back with you next week. I couldn't tell you actually whose episode's going out because uh, that's not my area. I need tech support for that. But it'll be good, I promise. Anyway, lots of love. Bye bye.