hello and welcome back to Widowed AF. You're here with me, just me today, Rosie Gill-Moss. I'm your grief sherpa, to steal a term stolen from one of my guests, and I'm your, your kind of companion through this, this journey, this I don't know. This feels sometimes like we're in a computer game, doesn't it? Just keeps lobbing. I don't know. What do they throw little toadstools? Anyway, I'm already going off on a tangent. Let's uh, let's get back to business. So I wanted to just check in with you guys because, um, we haven't been recording the chatties, um, primarily time, um, we're trying to launch another podcast where we have launched another podcast. So as many of you with children will be aware, this is probably, um, the most challenging, I'm going to use a polite word, term of the school year. And it can feel like you're just, um, I don't know, like a baby. A PA to some tyrannical dictator with all the demands coming through from schools and there's obviously kind of like a lot of pressure coming up because for many of us, and it does depend on your circumstances, the summer holidays can be either looming or kind of tantalizingly close, but I think a lot of that is to do with how old your kids are. Because, um, Entertaining the kids for the summer holidays can be quite tough. It costs a lot of money and it is really, really time and admin heavy and if you guys are just trying to keep afloat, um, I feel for you. I really do and my inbox is always open. Okay, um, I'm, I'm Kind of apprehensive about it as well because, um, for the first time I'm really noticing the difference in my kids ages. So they span from 14 to 6. And of course it's quite difficult to find things that they want to do. But, anyway, I digress. So, one of the main reasons I wanted to come on mic and talk to you is, uh, you'll probably all be aware of the death of Michael Mosley. Um, a horrible and a tragic loss for his family and, um, I think probably for the greater world. I've, um, I was a, uh, devotee of the five two many years ago and I intermittent fast now, but only by default because I forget to eat. But anyway, now the story is in itself, it's really sad. Um, it's really horrible that his wife became a widow. Um, but she became a widow in a, in a particularly horrific way. Um, Most of us will have done or anticipate that we will lose somebody in our lives. Um, somebody will have that big, significant loss. It might, you might not have expected it to be your, your love, your, your spouse, your partner quite so early on. But grief and death are things that we as humans, we have to accept they happen. Um, knowing that somebody is missing. That's something that some of my guests have experienced. I, for those who know my story well, will know that I have. And it's, it's um, I don't know, I guess it's like an extra layer of torture. Because you, to go for minutes, days, weeks, months, years, six and a half years in my case, without actually knowing what happened to your person, it does feel a little bit like being tortured. I think I'd managed to quite carefully compartmentalize that aspect of Ben's death. I have never questioned whether he was dead. Um, you know, the English Channel, a March, freezing cold night. Um, you don't survive that. But when somebody's gone out walking, or in the case of a guest that I interviewed on Friday, an episode that I'm actually going to push out at quite early because of the similarities, her husband had gone kayaking. There's a little bit of hope because they're not out in a large body of choppy water, and I think particularly for Dr. Mosley's family to have the, the world's media scrutinizing the situation and, and questioning what had happened and why and questioning his reasons. And I I did feel for her, you know, and I added to that media circus because the Sun asked if I would speak to them and I did and I didn't anticipate it being quite such a large piece. But as we spoke, um, a lot of it was about Ben and I think actually we tell their stories, don't we? That's what we do. That's how we keep their legacy going. But it was quite difficult to be thrust back into that. That part of my grief that I really do work very hard in therapy to avoid. Ben's been missing now for, what, six and a half years, give or take. Um, I don't know if he'll ever be found. And that's a really hard thing to, to acknowledge because I think up until, I don't know, maybe three, four years in, I, I thought perhaps he might be found, um, we might get that horrible word, but closure. And it doesn't look like we're going to. But, who knows. I did make a decision that I was going to speak to the police, actually, and find out what the process is, if they were to find him, because I don't actually know. And I thought that's, I should know. I should know, because avoiding it isn't going to make it go away. I've tried. I've tried that with everything. I Am also gonna do a little bit of press on this later in the week So I'll let you guys know what what it what happens and and and who it's with Yeah, it's a funny one because you feel a little bit like a grief vulture I don't want to be piggybacking on somebody else's grief to further essentially my own Because this is my job now. Um, and I, I hope that's not how it came across. I, funny enough, I'm overthinking it, but it's something that you have to really think quite carefully about because I don't want to cause anybody any pain. I really don't. Um, God knows that that poor woman and her family will be going through enough pain right now. Anyway, back to other, maybe less. Depressing subjects. Do we do those on here? Sometimes, don't we? Um, the family are well. Um, everybody is well. We are, as I said, hurtling towards the summer holidays. We've got two children moving up to secondary. Um, which is quite a big gulp. moment, I think, in any parent's life. It's a real, yeah, real end of an era. You think, you know, you know everybody on the class chat and then suddenly they go up to secondary and you've not got a clue who they're hanging out with. And it's, it feels, I suppose it feels like a bit of a loss of control. And I guess there's also, it's another big moment, isn't it? It's not a big moment without their, their mum in Holly's case and dad in Hector's case. But also I'm so immensely proud of them, of all of them actually, because they've all come, well nearly, one of them finishes next Wednesday, which I think is unacceptable, which will be this Wednesday probably when this goes out. Um, but they've all got through another school year, they've all got great results, they've been good human beings, and We've all sort of bumbled along pretty well, for the most part. For the most part. There's four kids in this house. Now, what else have I got to tell you that's interesting? We went to see Taylor Swift. Bet you didn't think you'd see that happen with Jonathan Gill-Moss. But we did. It was absolutely amazing. I mean, it was everything you'd expect it to be. And, um, I have just about got my hearing back after being completely deafened by Teenage Girls. I forgot to take my ear loops. But it was, um, Yeah, it was sensational. It was spectacular. And I'm so grateful to a friend of mine that managed to get tickets for us. So thank you, Sarah, if you're listening, because I did not have the patience to persevere and get them. So I would have missed out. But yeah, it was, it was just felt like being so cliche, but it felt like being part of something. It was this great kind of beast that was bigger than any of us. And I guess that it's, it's that feeling of community, isn't it? It's that feeling of being together and everybody is singing the same song and Waving their arms in the air and wearing sequins and it was just as the sun set over Wembley Stadium you could just see this sea of sequins. It really was quite magical. Talking of magical, uh, Widstock tickets. We do still have some available for sale. They are selling quite quickly now. We had a slow start and then we've suddenly seen a bit of an uptake. So, if you're thinking of coming, I would suggest that you get your tickets. Um, you won't get them immediately. So, because they are going. Because I decided that instead of sending you e tickets, I was going to have designed and made these really beautiful tickets. I think I've got one. No, I haven't got one behind me. Um, and. So that you'd have a keepsake. Um, I know, right. So you'll, you'll, you buy your ticket and it will get posted out to you. Um, unfortunately the postage cost is just the postage cost. I know I'm sorry. I gotta at least break even on this guys. Um, so I really hope you're coming. The ticket prices are priced at 20 for an adult or 10 for a child. And you do get a free BBQ item and a drink with that. Soft drink I hasten to add because that would be a logistical nightmare to facilitate otherwise. Um, we've got stuff like we've got, um, like DBS cleared eyes on the ground so you guys can relax a little bit. Um, lots of music, lots of food, lots of drinks, lots of glitter. Um, Some people are coming with their kids, some people are coming without their kids. I will leave that entirely up to your discretion. Mine will be there, but probably not till 11 if I'm honest. I had a little solo trip actually. I went away to Amsterdam. Um, I was going out there to, I was actually going out there to do a psychedelic retreat. Which is something I've always wanted to do. And I've been, I just dropped that in, didn't I? There was no, I didn't buy you dinner or anything first, I went straight in with that one. Um, I, Yes, I've been coming off my Sertraline with a view to doing this, um, experience and I don't think I was in the right place. Um, I managed to get myself to Amsterdam. So I got to the retreat and I just couldn't go ahead with it. Um, even staying there, it just, it just, you know, those spidey senses that we talk about where you just feel like something is off. And actually, as soon as I got quite upset and said I'm going to leave, um, Their attitude to me really changed and they were really kind of harsh and a bit mean if I'm honest. And I ended up in the middle of the Netherlands because it was about an hour outside of Amsterdam. Um, what the bloody hell have I done? Like what, what, what is the matter with me? Why do I just lurch from weird scenario to weird scenario and why do these things always happen to me? I'm the common denominator and to quote Taylor Swift, I'm the problem, it's me. But I got, with the help of my husband, I got myself to, um, a hotel in Amsterdam. Um, and I went out and I walked about and I went, you know, I had a coffee. And I decompressed a bit and the next day I was unsure whether I was going to come home that day. I could get a flight home, but I had a flight booked for the following day anyway. And actually in the end I decided that I was going to stay. Um, and I did something that I haven't done for a very long time. And I went abroad, I travelled on my own. And it was really quite liberating. Um, I didn't do a huge amount. I, I booched about. Went round the, the, the Thrift shops. I'm a bit of a sucker for a secondhand shop. So I, and I didn't have anybody, anybody else to think about. So I could, you know, rummage through the musty old clothes at my own leisure. Um, I went on a boat trip. Did you know that the houses in Amsterdam are called dancing houses because of the subsidence? I did not know that, but there you go. Um, and I also didn't know, Oh God, I'm such a nerd, but that they've got hooks on the outside of their houses because they, when they move house to Dutch, they don't tend to use the front door in Amsterdam because The windows are bigger, so they lift up. I, this is not a podcast about Amsterdam. But the, the moral of my story is that I tried to do a really, really, really hard thing. And don't snigger at that, please. And it didn't work out. And I felt quite ashamed. I felt quite infantilized. I felt quite embarrassed and stupid and all the, all these negative words that I was putting onto myself. Uh, and then I think by staying for that extra night, I'm, I almost reframed it as my first solo trip. And I, I would have, you know, the company would have been nice, but actually I think being in your own company is quite hard and especially if like me, you have run from your own company for your whole life. Then. Spending time with yourself can be challenging. So even just managing to do that, I think, I'm going to take it as a win, you know. Um, I did have one interesting altercation, well it wasn't an altercation, that's too much. But an incident at the airport where I, um, I arrived at Amsterdam airport and they were closing off the doors. So, uh, I think it was a, like a, um, congestion flow thing, but I felt quite trapped and I was quite deregulated. And I sought a member of staff and I said, look, I'm, I don't like to use this, but I'm autistic. Is there any way I can, um, get through these gates? And she sort of looked me up and down and went, well, you better not be making it up just to jump the queue. So I said, would you like me to do an autism for you? Or is my word not enough? And they then said, you know, wear the lanyard. Which I wasn't wearing the lanyard because most of the time I don't need to. And I feel like, um, it felt unnecessary. But I will, in the future, I will travel with it. But, um, yeah, there's always a little anecdote, isn't there, to any adventure. Anyway, I am going to let go because quite frankly I'm absolutely boiling. I've had to shut the door to the studio because there's some building work going on next door. And, um, it's about, um, I'm going to hazard a guess at 90 degrees in here. You could roast a rotisserie chicken probably if you wished. That's how I feel. Anyway, on that delightful note, I will let you go and from my broken hearts to your broken hearts, I wish you much love and peace. Bye bye.